Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.".
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

How do you get a red headed left handed nun pregnant?






Wait for it!






F*** her.
CHAZ

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his ball into the woods. When he went to look for it he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfers ball beside him. Horrified the golfer got his water bottle from his cart and poured it over the wee fella reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Ye got me fair and square. Well ye've got three wishes, so whaddaya want?'
"Thank God you're alright!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologise. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself, "But it was fair and square he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," he says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now. By the way, it's good to see you're alright."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that for your golf game, ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach into my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that for ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "It's okay."
"C'mon, c'mon," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around and then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

johnboy

Mrs. Jones: I'd move heaven and earth to break my 100 score!
Caddy: Try moving heaven, you have moved enough earth already!
__________________________
Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.

Mr. Johnson: Caddy, Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch Sir, it's a compass.
______________________
Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.

Originally posted by johnboy
After 12 children an Irish couple decided enough was enough, so the husband went to the Doctor to find out what their options were.
"Well, you could have a vasectomy," said the Doc., "that would fix the problem, but it's very expensive."
When the Irishman pleaded poverty, the Doctor continued: "There is a cheaper alternative, go home, get the largest firecracker you can find, put it in a beer can, light it, hold it up next to your ear, and count to ten."
"C'mon, said the patient,"I mayn't be the brightest crayon in the box, but I can't see how a firecracker in a beer can will help me!"
"Trust me," said the Doc., "it will do the job."
So the man went home, put a cracker in a beer can, lit it, held it up to his ear, and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5,......." at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so as to continue counting on the other hand.

This option can also be applied in Auckland, Australia, and Washington.

johnboy

Anywhere but Canada and the mountains, eh Mountain man?
_____________________________
Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.

Originally posted by Rico
Anywhere but Canada and the mountains, eh Mountain man?
_____________________________
Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.

I'm not too sure about that, around here they've been inbreeding for generations, we've been here 40 years, and we're still not considered locals. Some of them, I'm sure they're hard-pressed to find the leg-holes in their trousers.

johnboy

Valentine Slogans.

Valentines Slogans
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.


9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.


8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.


7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.


6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.


5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!


4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.


3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".


2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, me so horny!


1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married.
She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I can't on Fridays, I golf."

Jesse Jackson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here" says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No" Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that forever."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw
Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . .



(this is priceless)















"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

that reminds me of this other one i know!!!


this guy dies and goes to hell, when he gets there the devil says you have three places you can spen all eternity, the devil opens the first door and it is like 200 degrees and everyone there is chipping rocks, the guys says to the devil "i hate the heat lets see whats in the next one", so the devil opens the next door and it is like 200 below zero and everyone there is chipping rocks, the guys say to the devil man "i really hate the cold whats in the last room", so the devil opens the last door and in there is a break room where there is a foot of crap on the ground everyone there is just talking and drinking coffee and laughin and having a good time so the guy says "hell i can probably get used to the smell i'll take this one." so the guy steps in this room and sarts talking with the other guys and they're all laughin and carrying on, when over the loud speaker he hears............



































"OK breaks over, back on your heads"

After living in the remote wilderness of Appalachia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
> married. The
> ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
> excellent.
>
> 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
> says, "I'll serve you,
> but don't start anything."
>
> 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
> salted.
>
> 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
> 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
> under his arm and says:
> "A beer please, and one for the road.
>
> 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the < BR>> other: "Does this
> taste funny to you?"
>
> 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
> Grass of Home.'" "That
> sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
> Well, "It's Not
> Unusual."
>
> 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
> field. Daisy says to
> Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
> morning." "I don't believe
> you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims
> Daisy.
>
> 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
> kids were nothing to
> look at either.
>
> 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this
> bull before.
>
> 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
> day but I couldn't
> find any.
>
> 12 A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
> accident. He shouted,
> "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
> replied, "I know you
> can't - I've cut off your arms!"
>
> 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled
> a mussel.
>
> 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
> turns to the other and
> says "Dam!"
>
> 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
> they lit a fire in
> the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once
> again that you can't
> have your kayak and heat it too.
>
> 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
> hotel and were standing
> in the lobby discussing th! eir rece nt tournament
> victories. After about
> an hour, the manager came out of the office and
> asked them to disperse.
> "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because",
> he said, "I can't
> stand chess-nuts boasting in an ope n foyer."
>
> 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for
> adoption. One of them goes
> to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other
> goes to a family in
> Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan
> sends a picture of
> himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
> picture, she tells her
> husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
> Ahmal. Her husband
> responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
> you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
> most of the time whi=h
> produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
> He also ate very
> little which made him rather frail and, with his odd
> diet, he suffered
> from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so
> bad, it's good).. a
> super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 20. And finally, there was the person who sent
> twenty different puns to
> his friends with the hope that at least ten of the
> puns would make them
> laugh. No pun in ten did.

One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found a bondage S+M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

Winners of the Dark and Stormy Night Contest

This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"