Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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That's a doozy Hank, better than anything I've ever posted.

And I'm never going to tell you how many I got right!

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal."
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!"
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!"
Grandpa yelled to the dog, "Cold Water, shut up and go lie down"!

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the bush out back.
She said her husband would have done it, but he is out of town.
It's nice to help people ...

A duck hunter was out on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, he woke up on a hospital bed. His doctor said,"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your peniz. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.



"She's a flute player. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pi$$ in your eye."

When we were young, we used to sneak out of our homes to go to parties.

Now we're older we sneak out of parties to go home.

So my littlest grandkid asked me, "Grandpa, where's poo come from?" Always the engineer I struggled with the level of detail needed to explain without getting overly technical and came up with what I thought was a good summary level explanation of the intake of food, chewing, digestion and how the body makes energy by using all of the good parts of the food, leaving everything that can't be used as waste, that comes from our bottom as "poo".

He listened attentively, but the look on his face showed quite a bit of concern. After a pause he finally asked, "And Tigger?"

Someone ripped the 5th month from my calendar.

I'm dismayed......

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom.
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trails, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.Coli)- bacteria Found in Faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 Kilo of poop.
However;
We do not run the risk when drinking wine&beer.(Or tequila, rum, whisky in a jug or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process.
of boiling, filtering and or fermenting.
Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than drink water and be full of Poop

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

A married couple were on safari when a lion leaps from the bush and drags the husband off.

"SHOOT" he screams at his wife. "SHOOT!"

"I CAN'T!" she shouts back, 'YOU HAVE THE CAMERA!"

An old man had always wanted a pair of fancy cowboy boots so on a vacation out west he found a man who custom made him a pair of them.

He came back to the hotel where he and his wife were staying and was wearing his fancy new boots with his jeans tucked it to really show off his boots. He walked in and asked his wife "Notice anything different?"

She glance over and said "Nope".

The old man went in the bathroom and stripped down stark naked and put his boots back on and walked back out and asked again "Now do you see anything different?"

His wife looked and said "Nope. It was hanging down before and its still hanging down now!"

The old man replied "Its hanging down because it is looking at my brand new boots!"

The old lady shook her head and replied "Then you should have bought a hat instead!"

Never buy flowers from monks.

That way you can stop florist friars.

My Visa was declined at the sweater shop.

So the cashier had to ask for my cardigan.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.



If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a twat.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Get a new car for your partner - it should be a good trade!

Chastity is curable.............. if detected early enough

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of checks

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...I think it's just a pigment of their imagination.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

My favorite tee shirt: “Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyeballs”