Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall.
His statue in London is 15 feet tall.

That's a Horatio of 3 to 1.

Originally Posted by t-top havoc

CLASSIC!!
Great placement on your first post!!
Admittedly I did LoL!!

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I did also lol 😂

I see that the Amazon Billionaire Jeff Bezos has left his wife on the porch behind the pot plant.

Originally Posted by johnboy

I see that the Amazon Billionaire Jeff Bezos has left his wife on the porch behind the pot plant.

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???
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Is this another obscure movie reference?
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Pot Plant, i.e. marijuana; or Potted Plant, a decorative plant in a flower pot?
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Sorry jb, this one sails over my head!

Pot = drug, plant = factory.

(Well they did when I went to school sixty years ago.)

My neighbour discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took it to the vets. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and buy Nair Hair Remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the store and gets the Nair Hair Remover. At the register the chemist's assistant tells her "if you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The chemist assistant says "Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days".
The lady says "Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The assistant replied "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Originally Posted by johnboy

Pot = drug, plant = factory.

(Well they did when I went to school sixty years ago.)

LOL, still makes no sense to me, but then I don't watch what they call "TV news" any longer. No big deal, I expect it's very funny!!

Originally Posted by rspears

LOL, No big deal, I expect it's very funny!!

I think this reply is the funniest part of that whole post! Hee Hee Hee!

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a twat.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Get a new car for your partner - it should be a good trade!

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink in search of a solution.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink.
"Come talk to Me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?", and, with a bit of an attitude, the doctor said, "and just how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


He is recovering in hospital.

A man, desperate to get out of his marriage, wants to kill his wife. Sitting at a bar one day, over the course of a few drinks, he tells a man he meets about his problems. Artie, as he is called, says that he feels bad for the man, and he is willing to kill his wife for only a dollar. A little inebriated and in disbelief, the man hands the man a dollar and tells him sure. If you can kill my wife for a dollar, then here is your payment upfront.

A few days pass. Then a few weeks. And soon the man forgets about the encounter, meanwhile he and his wife come to reconciliation. Meanwhile, Artie is watching, stalking, waiting to make good on his contract.

One Friday, the man and his wife are out grocery shopping at the nearby Kroger. While in the produce section, the man tells his wife is going to find a bottle of wine for the evening. The wife now alone, Artie sees his chance to make his move. He innocently walks near her, and then suddenly wraps his hands around her throat. Violently choking her to death.

Just as she takes her last breath, the man comes back. He yells at him to stop, tries to fight him off, but it is too late. In anger, he tries to kill the psychopath, but he is soon overpowered and is killed also. Unfortunately, just as he is dying, an unlucky witness stumbles onto the crime, and he too is quickly killed.

It is a gruesome scene, police come, and slowly the entire story unfolds as to what happened.

The next morning, the newspapers read:

Friday at Woolworths, Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar In The Produce Section.

Many people don't understand that this button directs cold air to the trunk/storage area of the vehicle to keep your groceries cold in summer heat!

You're Welcome.
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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?!" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

"Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you pumped out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"