Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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After twenty minutes in Bunnings trying to attract the attention of one of the staff I was getting a wee bit exasperated.

It's quite surprising how quickly you can get attention when you press the appropriate buttons on an electric chainsaw...
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A blonde stormed in to the front desk in a library and said "I have a complaint!"
"Yes Ma'am? said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by the complaint the librarian asked, "What was wrong with it?"
"it had too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our telephone book."
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Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are chatting.
Dorothy says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out on a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna responds, "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me beautiful flowers! Then he took me downstairs, and there was a luxury car waiting—a limousine with a uniformed chauffeur and all. He took me out for a marvelous dinner: lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we’re coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Dorothy exclaims, "Goodness gracious! ...so you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna replies, "No, no, no! I'm just saying; wear an old dress."
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It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

Wife: "It's 2 o'clock in the morning and you come home half drunk! Explain!"

Husband: "I ran out of money."
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Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the Hall of Residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
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Just watched a programme on the history of the Kiwi summer holidays.

It reminded me of holidays as a kid by the sea.

Playing in the rock pools with a net.

Oooooh she taught me a thing or two.
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This morning I tripped over a box of Kleenex and thought I had damaged myself.

Turns out it was just tissue damage...
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I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.
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I went back to the doctor for a follow up appointment today:

Doc: “Hi – I am sorry, but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?”

Me: “OK, give me the very bad news first."

Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with a very rare strain of a disease that hasn't been seen for hundreds of years. You only have 1 day to live”

Me: “Just 1 day? !…uh....well...what’s the bad news then???”

Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..."

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
N.Z. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us
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I stole this story on Facebook...
Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.
Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.
One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.
He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.
She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.
From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime!"

Ugh.......

At a girls college hostel, dates were only permitted on Saturday night.
One young man turned up on a Tuesday night, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative to see a certain young lady.
"I want to surprise her. You see I'm her brother"

"Oh, she will be surprised all right" said the woman "But think how surprised I am. I'm her mother! .