Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
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07-23-2024 09:20 PM #4066
A handsome man in a suit approached a young lady at a bar and politely asked if he could buy her a drink.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she inquired skeptically. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
Looking somewhat forlorn, he replied, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she responded sympathetically, "Okay then, I'll have a white wine please."
One glass of wine led to another. After a few more drinks, they shared a kiss and cuddle, eventually deciding to head back to her place where they made passionate love.
As he dressed afterward, she couldn't help but ask, "So, you're good-looking, a nice guy, and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
"The wife found out."
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-24-2024 08:19 PM #4067
So, Wee Jimmy is doing his math homework.
He says to himself out loud, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven."
"Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mum, Senga, hears what he was saying and says to him, "What are you doing?"
Wee Jimmy replies, "I'm doing my math homework."
She then asks, "So, is this how your teacher taught you to do it?"
Wee Jimmy says, "Aye maw"
Annoyed and angry, Senga calls Jimmy’s teacher the next morning and asks, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replies, "Right now, they are learning addition."
Senga then asks, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stops laughing, she says, "Not quite, what I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-25-2024 09:45 PM #4068
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep again.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-25-2024 09:55 PM #4069
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Johnny.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps without any clothes!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he did six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that doublebarrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old black Lab, Hudson, woke up and came a sneakin' up behind Daddy.
Then we all looked on plumb helpless as old Hudson stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-26-2024 02:45 PM #4070
A Many 16ths & a Many mm in one shot!!
FB_IMG_1722030130712.jpgRoger
Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.
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07-26-2024 09:29 PM #4071
Maurice said to his friend Benny " My wife Sadie and I are always holding hands. "
Benny replied "You must love her so much then."
"It's not that," said Maurice, "it's because if I let go she shops!"
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-26-2024 09:36 PM #4072
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-27-2024 03:21 AM #4073
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07-27-2024 06:31 AM #4074
In the Navy as an airplane mechanic everyone had a prescribed set of tools, each etched with the squadron # and tool box #, inventoried weekly and after any big job to ensure no tool left in a plane where it could cause problems. We called the 12" Crescent a Many 16th's since the standard wrenches were spread by 16th's.Last edited by rspears; 07-27-2024 at 06:33 AM.
Roger
Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.
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07-27-2024 07:04 AM #4075
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07-27-2024 05:18 PM #4076
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea of what he did wrong.
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-28-2024 08:33 AM #4077
no such thing as a lost socket. we checked out a specific tool box for the repair . inventoried first. when brought back to tool ben if anything was missing the bird was grounded until found.
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07-28-2024 12:01 PM #4078
Roger
Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.
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07-28-2024 08:33 PM #4079
A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such a wonderful married couple and for being so loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I am."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
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07-29-2024 09:08 PM #4080
A 5 year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma. how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good and the comedies make me laugh. So I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah. she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
.johnboy
Mountain man. (Retired.)
Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.
'47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
'49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
'51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
'64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.
Thanks Bill, It seems to be working better already. Nolan
Up and Down, Up and down, up and...