Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A handsome man in a suit approached a young lady at a bar and politely asked if he could buy her a drink.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she inquired skeptically. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
Looking somewhat forlorn, he replied, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she responded sympathetically, "Okay then, I'll have a white wine please."
One glass of wine led to another. After a few more drinks, they shared a kiss and cuddle, eventually deciding to head back to her place where they made passionate love.
As he dressed afterward, she couldn't help but ask, "So, you're good-looking, a nice guy, and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

"The wife found out."
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So, Wee Jimmy is doing his math homework.
He says to himself out loud, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven."
"Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mum, Senga, hears what he was saying and says to him, "What are you doing?"
Wee Jimmy replies, "I'm doing my math homework."
She then asks, "So, is this how your teacher taught you to do it?"
Wee Jimmy says, "Aye maw"

Annoyed and angry, Senga calls Jimmy’s teacher the next morning and asks, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replies, "Right now, they are learning addition."
Senga then asks, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stops laughing, she says, "Not quite, what I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
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An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep again.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”
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"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Johnny.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps without any clothes!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he did six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that doublebarrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old black Lab, Hudson, woke up and came a sneakin' up behind Daddy.
Then we all looked on plumb helpless as old Hudson stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
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A Many 16ths & a Many mm in one shot!!

FB_IMG_1722030130712.jpg

Maurice said to his friend Benny " My wife Sadie and I are always holding hands. "

Benny replied "You must love her so much then."

"It's not that," said Maurice, "it's because if I let go she shops!"
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A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
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Originally Posted by rspears

A Many 16ths & a Many mm in one shot!!

Attachment 76006

even more 64ths

Originally Posted by 34_40

even more 64ths

In the Navy as an airplane mechanic everyone had a prescribed set of tools, each etched with the squadron # and tool box #, inventoried weekly and after any big job to ensure no tool left in a plane where it could cause problems. We called the 12" Crescent a Many 16th's since the standard wrenches were spread by 16th's.

Originally Posted by rspears

In the Navy as an airplane mechanic everyone had a prescribed set of tools, each etched with the squadron # and tool box #, inventoried weekly and after any big job to ensure no tool left in a plane where it could cause problems. We called the 12" Crescent a Many 16th's since the standard wrenches were spread by 16th's.

Around this neck of the woods it's called an Arkansas speed wrench

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea of what he did wrong.
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no such thing as a lost socket. we checked out a specific tool box for the repair . inventoried first. when brought back to tool ben if anything was missing the bird was grounded until found.

Originally Posted by shine

no such thing as a lost socket. we checked out a specific tool box for the repair . inventoried first. when brought back to tool ben if anything was missing the bird was grounded until found.

Guys assigned to our shop were issued a numbered toolbox rather than checking one out from the tool crib, but I can see the benefit of the method your unit used, especially for an active combat unit.

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such a wonderful married couple and for being so loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I am."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
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A 5 year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma. how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good and the comedies make me laugh. So I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"

The little girl replied: "Yeah. she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
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