Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table:
Husband gets up in a rage and says. "And you are no good in bed either." And storms out of the house.
After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says. "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says. "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
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I went out on a date last night with a police officer named Tina.
We saw the movie Evita.
This morning, she got up and said, "I'm going to make a full English breakfast."

I replied, "Don't fry for me, Sergeant Tina."
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Last night I visited a stately home and I said to the guide: "Is this place supposed to be haunted as rumours would have it’?"
He replied: "In all the time that I have worked here, I have never seen a ghost".
I said: "That is a relief. How long have you worked here?"
He said: "About 700 years".
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A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 4 and 5.
He seemed irritated when I answered "Kindergarten."
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The first year of marriage the men talk and the women listen.
The second year of marriage the wives talk and the men listen.
The third year of marriage they both talk and the neighbors listen.
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I've just lost 3 fingers on my hand.

I asked the doctor if I could still write with it.

He said maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
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Fred takes his car back to the garage and complains: "When I'm going up the hill it only reaches 45".
The salesman said, "Well 45 is good for going uphill".
"Yes," said Fred, "But I live at number 70".
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A man was traveling in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly, the mother-in-law became ill and died. The local undertaker asked the man to step aside, and quietly informed him that he could arrange for his mother-in-law's body to be shipped home for $5000, or could arrange local burial for $150. The man paused, in deep thought, and after several minutes said that they should ship her home. The undertaker was quite surprised, and asked the man why he would spend $5000 rather than $150 for burial in the Holy Land?
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, and after 3 days he was resurrected and enjoyed life again. I just cannot take that chance!"

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
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Seth (53 Chevy5) posted this on FB, and Mike (34_40) asked if he'd stolen it from johnboy norton? Gotta admit, it does have that jb flavor.....

A Pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel hat.

The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towel hat?"

The Pirate replies, "AARGH!! There be a Bounty on me head!!"

a slap.jpg

Originally Posted by rspears

Seth (53 Chevy5) posted this on FB, and Mike (34_40) asked if he'd stolen it from johnboy norton? Gotta admit, it does have that jb flavor.....

A Pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel hat.

The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towel hat?"

The Pirate replies, "AARGH!! There be a Bounty on me head!!"

Attachment 76020

It wasn't me!
I wasn't there!
And I've got twenty-five witnesses to prove it!
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my Driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
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When I was a young fella I remember all the times my father used to roll me downhill in old tyres.
Those were Good years...
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There's a new store in NYC called The HUSBAND Store. There is an elegant Lobby and six floors in the store, the sole purpose of the store is for a woman to shop for and select a husband from stock, and the value increases as one goes up, floor by floor. The elevator rises one floor at a time, and one cannot go back down, only up, but they can get off at any floor by pressing the DOOR OPEN button. Once open, the customer MUST exit and cannot get back on the elevator. The Lobby has a waiting area with an information desk and a Check In where a customer must verify that they are single, and that they intend to select a husband from the eligible candidates in stock.
A woman enters The HUSBAND Store, askes a few questions at the info desk, proceeds to verify her status and approaches the elevator which goes up one floor.
The sign at Floor 1 says "These Men have jobs." That's important, she thinks, but I've got to see Floor 2 and pushes the UP button.

The sign at Floor 2 - "These Men have jobs and love kids." OK, those are both good things! But I really think I need to see Floor 3.

The sign at Floor 3 - "These Men have jobs, love kids and are drop dead good looking." OK this is getting pretty good, and I probably should check the stock, but I've gotta see Floor 4.

The sign at Floor 4 - "These Men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with housework each week." How can it be better?? But there are 2 more floors, I've got to look!!

The sign at Floor 5 - "These Men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead good looking, help with housework each week, and have a very active romantic streak." OK, this just about has to be IT!! She started to hit the OPEN button, but then paused and thought, Each floor has been better than the last, and I can't settle for less than the best. Floor 6!!

The door opened at Floor 6 - "You are Customer 31,013,456 to Floor #6. There are NO Men on this floor, and NO Customers have exited at Floors 1 through 5. The sole purpose of this floor is to prove that women simply cannot be pleased!! Please reenter the elevator to be taken to the EXIT."

Sometimes my wife likes to mess with me and hides all my stuff where I can't find it.

Like She puts my shoes in the shoe closet, my jacket on the hanger, and my keys on the key hook.
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