Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I just paid for a 12 month Gym membership.

My bank called to see if my credit card had been stolen.
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Bob, a 65-year-old extremely wealthy widower, strolls into the Country Club with a stunning 25-year-old blonde by his side.
Her beauty and charm leaves everyone in the room speechless. She clings to Bob’s arm, hanging on his every word as if he’s the most fascinating man in the world.
His buddies at the club are in shock. They pull him aside and ask, "Bob, how'd you land a girlfriend like that?"
Bob grins and says, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are floored but can’t resist asking, "How on earth did you convince her to marry you?"
Bob leans in with a sly smile and says, "I lied about my age."
They nod knowingly. "Ah, you told her you were 50?"

Bob chuckles and replies, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
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A woman who enjoyed playing cards with her friends once a month always worried about waking up her husband when she returned home around 11:30 p.m.
Determined to avoid disturbing him one night, she decided to be extra quiet. She undressed in the living room, draped her purse over her arm, and tiptoed into the bedroom—completely nude—only to find her husband sitting up in bed, reading.

“Dammit, woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”
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Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve…I’ve been a hooker.”

“That’s alright.” Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
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An old woman, a beautiful girl, an army general, and a young soldier are sitting in the same car on a train.

Suddenly, the train goes into a dark tunnel.

There is a rustle of movement, a loud kiss, and a firm slap.

The train returns to the light. The general has a red mark on his cheek.

The old woman thinks, “Good for her. So many young girls today have no principles. That old man kissed her, and she slapped him right across the face.”

The beautiful girl thinks, “How odd, that that general would choose to kiss that old lady instead of me.”

The general thinks, “Well, isn’t that a fine thing. That young pup steals a kiss from a beautiful girl and I get the slap.”

The soldier thinks, “Not a bad day at all! All I had to do was kiss the back of my hand, and I got to slap a general and get away with it!”

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit their family ranch. After a few years, they run into financial trouble and need to buy a bull to breed their own stock to save the ranch. They only have $600 left.
The brunette heads to a distant stockyard to purchase a bull and, after inspecting it, decides to buy it for $599. With just $1 remaining, she goes to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram, instructing her to drive out and haul the bull home.
The telegraph operator informs her that sending a telegram costs 99 cents per word.
Faced with only $1 left, she realizes she can only afford to send one word. After some thought, she decides on the word “comfortable.”
The operator is puzzled. “How will your sister know that you want her to hitch the trailer and come get the bull with just the word ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is long and she’ll read it slowly—com-for-da-bull.”
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A pastor entered his donkey in a race, and to everyone’s surprise, it won. Delighted, he entered the donkey again, and it won once more. The local paper announced: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT."

The bishop, unhappy with this publicity, ordered the pastor not to race the donkey anymore. The following day, the local paper ran the headline: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS."

Feeling the situation was getting out of hand, the bishop ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun at a nearby convent. The next day, the paper's headline read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."

The bishop, now thoroughly exasperated, told the nun she had to sell the donkey. She sold it to a farm for $10. The following headline read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10."

The bishop could no longer tolerate the situation and instructed the nun to buy back the donkey and release it into the wild. The next day's headline read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE."

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is that being overly concerned with public opinion can lead to unnecessary grief and even shorten your life. So, be yourself, enjoy life, and focus on your own affairs rather than worrying about what others think. You'll find greater happiness and peace of mind.
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Irene, the town gossip, and self appointed monitor of the local church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Harry, and several others, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.
Harry, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just turned and walked away.
He didn’t explain, defend or deny! He said nothing!

Later that evening, Harry quietly parked his pickup in front of Irene’s house …. walked home …. and left it there all night.

You’ve gotta love people like Harry!
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit their family ranch. After a few years, they run into financial trouble and need to buy a bull to breed their own stock to save the ranch. They only have $600 left.
The brunette heads to a distant stockyard to purchase a bull and, after inspecting it, decides to buy it for $599. With just $1 remaining, she goes to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram, instructing her to drive out and haul the bull home.
The telegraph operator informs her that sending a telegram costs 99 cents per word.
Faced with only $1 left, she realizes she can only afford to send one word. After some thought, she decides on the word “comfortable.”
The operator is puzzled. “How will your sister know that you want her to hitch the trailer and come get the bull with just the word ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is long and she’ll read it slowly—com-for-da-bull.”
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus,"and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing.
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Ykwya!!!!!
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A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”
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The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing," replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth." says the old man.
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I don't mean to boast, but I put together a jigsaw puzzle in a day when the box said 2-4 years...
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Being a retired farmer that has shifted to town I put my high voltage electric fence around my property.
My neighbour is dead against it.
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