Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
.

This was in an Otago newspaper.

Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
.

The town was inundated with swarms of insects, forcing everyone to remain indoors! The local police sent in swat teams.....

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached Father McCarthy with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed Father McCarthy a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, Father McCarthy looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward Father McCarthy and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
Father McCarthy put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered:

“She made me a better offer.”
.

I told my wife that the next door neighbor died.

She replied, "Who, Ray?"

I answered quickly, "C'mon, it's way too soon to celebrate like that! Show some respect!!"

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did, and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your Mom,” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

The mother in law came over for tea.
"Why does that dog of yours keep staring at me?" she asked.
"It's his plate you're eating off." I said.
.

A little girl was at a wedding with her parents. Slightly confused after the nuptials she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind.
"What do you mean?" responded her mother looking perplexed.
"Well," said the little girl with the kind of observational powers only a child can manage "She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another!"
.

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
"Start with a capital S then 1 2 3" she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times but it didn't work, so we called the wife in.
As she input the password she muttered "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123'. "
.

I saw Hank's joke about circumcision a day or three ago and its had me wondering.
Does anyone know if you can get circumcised at any age, or is there a cutoff?

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."
.

A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for $12.99.
“Sounds good,” the wife said…“but I don't want the eggs..”
“Then, I'll have to charge you $13.49 because you're ordering a la carte,”…the waiter warned her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?”…the wife asked incredulously.
“Yes!”… stated the waiter.
“I'll take the special then,”…the wife said..
“Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
“Raw and in the shell,”…the wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
.

An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub.
The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”
The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically ow themselves at me.”
The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”
The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”
So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever.
A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”
.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs.

The burglar slowly and methodically begins robbing the house.

The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs.


Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!"

"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible." says the criminal.


"Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in with you."


Yet the man again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"


"Look, I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." says the burglar, feeling a little ashamed of himself.


"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" the man is now crying. The burglar, still unwilling to budge, does find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

"Wow," he says "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately." "Not really,"


The man replies in a state of frenzy, "it's just that she will be home in 15 minutes."

One day wife and husband watch TV together and finally one of them breaks the silence..
Wife: "What are you getting me for our 30 year anniversary?"
Husband: "I'm taking you to Africa."
Wife: "Wow that’s amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 40th?"

Husband: "I will go over there to pick you up."
.