Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
Harry gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause.
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Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
Harry gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause.
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As you get older, have you noticed that your feet are getting further away from your hands when putting socks on?
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I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm...
But when I do my keys are always in the wrong pocket...
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What do you call a cow that has a bad twitch?

Beef jerky.
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Young Ethelred was only three
-Or somewhere thereabouts when he
Began to show in diverse ways
The early stages of the craze
Of knowing the particulars
Of motor bikes and motor cars.
It started with a little book
To enter numbers which he took,
And though his mother often said
"Now do be careful Ethelred.
Oh dear, oh dear, what should I do
If anything ran over you?"
(Which Ethelred could hardly know
And sometimes crossly told her so)
It didn't check his zeal a bit
But rather seemed to foster it.
Indeed it would astonish you
To hear of all the things he knew;
He'd guess the make and get it right
Of every car that came in sight.
He knew as well its MPG
Its MPH and £sd,
What gears it had, what brakes and what;
In short he knew an awful lot.
Now when a boy thinks day and night
Of motor cars with all his might
He gets affected in the head
And so it was with Ethelred.
He took long drinks from mug and cup
To fill his radiator up.
And went about upon all fours
And usually, to get indoors
He pressed a button then reversed
And went in slowly backmost first.
He called himself a Packford Eight
And wore a little number plate
Attached behind with bits of string
He looked just like the real thing.
He drove himself to school and tried
All day to park himself outside.
At which the head became irate
And caned him on his number plate.
And then one day an oily smell
Hung round him and he wasn't well.
"That's odd" he said, "I wonder what
Has caused this rumbling pain I've got?"
No car should get an aching tum
from taking in petroleum".
At that he cranked himself but no
He couldn't get himself to go.
He merely whirred a bit inside
A faint chug-chug, and then he died.


Now as his petrol tank was full,
They labelled him inflammable
And wisely saw to it that he
Was buried safely out at sea.
So if at any time your fish
Should taste a trifle oilyish
You'll know that fish has lately fed
On what remains of Ethelred.
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Internet went down and I had to spend time with the family.
They seem like good people.
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My wife is of the opinion that I'm useless with repairing electrical appliances.

Well She's due for a shock.
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As I get older, I remember all of the people I've lost along the way.
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Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Originally Posted by johnboy

My wife is of the opinion that I'm useless with repairing electrical appliances.

Well She's due for a shock.
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JB's voltage tester...
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I got SWMBO to help me put in a new board fence around our new section. I gave her the new hammer, told her that I would hold the board and when I nodded She was to hit it.

I don't remember much after that.
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Ants are everywhere!

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. An ant that is a specialist = Consultant😂
9. A proud ant = Arrogant🤔
10. An ant that is cruel and oppressive = Tyrant
11. An ant that is friendly and lovely = Coolant
12. An ant that has changed from evil to good deeds = Repentant
13. An ant that accumulated so much food in summer for use in winter = Abundant
14. An ant that isn’t willing = Reluctant
15. An ant that keeps financial account = Accountant
16. An ant that occupies a flat = Occupant
17. A huge ant = Giant
18. An ant that is important = Significant
19. An ant that has big legs = Elephant
20. A sarcastic ant = Mordant
21. An extremely fast ant = Instant
22. A noisy ant = Rant
23. An ant that doesn't keep moving = Constant
24. A dirty ant = Pollutant
25. An ant that annoys = Irritant
26. An ant that lacks knowledge= Ignorant
27. An ant that can take anything without complaining= Tolerant
28. An ant that wastes resources= Extravagant
29. A very careful ant = Vigilant
30. An ant that maintains good odour = Deodorant
31. An ant that finds it hard to move = adamant
32. An ant that refused to move = Redundant
33. An ant that is into business = Merchant
34. A Political ant = Aspirant
35. An ant that sues someone to court= Complainant
36. A happy ant = Jubilant
37. An ant that is patient - tolerant
38. An ant that does not cooperate - recalcitrant
39. An ant that doesn't agree easily - reluctant
40. An ant that runs away from school unjustified -Truant.
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An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

He told his wife she should embrace her mistakes, and it would help her build confidence, make better decisions and help them achieve their goals. She gave him a hug.....

A biker was tearing down Main Street when a police officer pulled him over.
"But officer," the biker began, "I can explain..."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "You’re cooling your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don’t count on it," replied the biker from his cell. "I’m the groom."
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