Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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It's Deer Season in Kansas. An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.

The 8 pointer says, 'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.'

The 4 pointer says, 'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!'

The Button buck says, 'My two are all right, better than nothing I guess.'

Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field. The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe. The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground!

The three bucks looked on in amazement.

The 8 pointer says, 'I could probably get by with 4 does........... Who really needs 10 anyway?'

The 4 pointer says, 'You know.............. come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!'

The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion. Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field!

He rips and tears up some grass........ pisses all over the place, snorts & wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree, and chews a lickin branch clean off! Then he runs back over to his buddies.

His friends immediately ask him, 'What the heck are you doing!?'

I'm just makin' sure that big son of a gun knows I'm a buck!'

Beware of a new Amazon scam!
My husband ordered some expensive jewellery, but motorcycle parts came instead,
Thankfully they fit his bike...
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A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women.
After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules.
It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women’s floor or women on the men’s floor and anyone caught violating the rule would be fined $25 for the first offense, $50 for the second offense, and $100 for the third offense.
A hand went up in the back of the room followed by the question:

“How much for a season pass?”
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On a road trip, an elderly couple decided to stop at a roadside diner for a bite to eat. After finishing their meal, they hopped back in the car and continued their journey.
It wasn’t until forty minutes later that the wife realized she’d left her glasses on the table. By this point, they were far from the diner, and it took them quite a while to find a spot to turn around.
As they headed back, her husband slipped into full-on "grumpy old man" mode, complaining and scolding her every mile of the way. He just wouldn’t let up. With each word, his frustration grew, and so did her eagerness to get her glasses and get back on the road.
Finally, they arrived.
As she got out of the car and hurried back into the restaurant, her husband called after her, "While you're in there, grab my hat and the credit card too!"
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The deer joke reminded of the Bull joke.
An old bull and a young bull were standing on a hillside looking down on a herd of cows.
The young bull was jumping around all excited and told the old bull, "Lets go RUN down there and SCREW ALL THEM COWS."
The old bull told him. "Calm down boy, I 've gotta better idea, why don't we just WALK down there and SCREW THEM ONE AT A TIME.

Yesterday I ate a kids KFC meal.

Her mother was furious.
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Judge: " Why did you steal this man's watch? "
Paddy: " I didn't steal it. He gave it to me."
Judge: " When did he give it to you? "
Paddy: " When I showed him the gun.
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An elderly man named Harold shuffled up to the hitching post, where he tied his old horse, Daisy. As he dusted off his worn hat and shirt, a brash young cowboy swaggered out of the saloon, gun in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. Spotting Harold, the cowboy smirked and called out, "Hey old man, have you ever ridden a bull?"
Harold looked up at the young cowboy and replied, "No, son, I've never had the desire to ride one."
A crowd began to gather as the cowboy grinned wider, saying, "Well, you’re going to give it a shot now!" He then pulled out his gun and fired a shot into the ground near Harold’s feet.
Not wanting to risk injury, Harold quickly jumped sideways, hopping around as the crowd roared with laughter. After the cowboy fired his last shot, he holstered his gun, chuckling as he turned to head back inside.
However, Harold turned to his horse, reached into the saddlebag, and pulled out a well-worn rifle, cocking it with a sharp click that silenced the crowd instantly.
The young cowboy heard the unmistakable sound and slowly turned around, his laughter fading. The crowd held its breath, watching the old man's steady grip on the rifle.
With a calm voice, Harold asked, "Son, have you ever tasted horse dung?"
The cowboy gulped nervously and stammered, "No, sir… but I’ve always been curious."
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What do you call two blokes standing either sides of a window?

Kurt n Rod.
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With these strong winds I'm concerned about the caravan in the garden.

We didn't have one yesterday.
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Sorry if we've seen this one before....

A blonde decided to try ice fishing for the first time. She bought all the necessary gear and headed to a local spot, excited to catch some fish.

After setting up on the ice and getting comfortable on her stool, she began cutting a circular hole in the ice, just like she’d seen online. As she was working, a booming voice echoed from above: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, she looked around but didn’t see anyone. Confused, she decided to move to a different spot on the ice. After sipping some hot chocolate from her thermos, she started cutting a new hole. Once again, the mysterious voice echoed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Now both nervous and a little frustrated, she picked up her gear and moved to the far end of the ice, determined to try one last time. She began cutting another hole, when the voice thundered louder than ever, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Panicking, she jumped up and shouted, “IS THAT YOU, LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

His wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to him, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect, and that's amazing for a woman your age."

And then the fight started........

Today I started a 28 day swearing challenge that I will restart tomorrow.
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

One day, a man found himself reluctantly dragged to the cinema by his wife, who insisted on seeing a romantic comedy.
About thirty minutes into the movie, he felt a sharp nudge in his side.
“What a disgrace,” his wife whispered indignantly. “The person sitting in front of us is sound asleep!” she huffed, clearly annoyed.
The husband, rubbing his eyes, sighed and replied, “You woke me up just to tell me that?”
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