Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. "I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"








kid has a point....i have never figured out why short hair is such a good or proffessional thing when so many of our great people had long hair and big beards, i my self will one day have a huge beard and maybe long hair (it's a hassle to wash.....lol).

7 quick laws

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.
5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him...get a good lawyer...keep his/her house




A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."




A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?
The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean Puffy Combs for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars? The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn`t pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Puffy for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I`d be nuts to pass that up!"
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.
The father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we`re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we`re living with two hoes."



Truths for whites, blacks, and latinos.


10 TRUTHS BLACK AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
Elvis is dead.
Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
Jesus was not white.
Skinny doesn't equal sexy.
A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
Thomas Jefferson had black children.
An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
Kissing your pet is not cute.
Rap music is here to stay.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT LATIN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
Chicken is food, not a roommate.
'Jump out and run' is not in any insurance policies.
Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
Hickey's are unattractive.
Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
10 people to a car or home is considered too many.
Jesus is not a name for your son.
Maria is a name, but not for every other daughter.
Letting your children run wildly through the store can get your BUTT whooped.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
Tupac is dead.
Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
Having a ring on every finger is too much.
O.J. did it.
Teeth should not be decorated.
Breaks are usually for 15 minutes.
Jesse Jackson will never be President.
RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).
Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
Your Pastor doesn't know everything.




Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched."
Billy is last to speak. He says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."







A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."





Jokes: 17 things the perfect girlfriend would say:
1. I'll swallow it all - I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my fanny.
4. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porn film, a case of beer and have my best friend over for a threesome.
5. If I don't get to blow you soon I'll kill myself!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch you and your mates watch sport and serve the beers to you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to the porn channels.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girl friend?
11. Let's go shopping so you can look at the women's asses.
12. I love it when you play golf on Saturday - I just wish you had time to play on Sunday too!
13. Darling, our new neighbor's daughter is sun bathing again - come see!
14. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
15. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new gadgets.
16. That was a great fart! Do another one.
17. I signed up for Yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.






A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.
Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.
The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches.
Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Hope this brightened your day. I don't pass many around, only the good ones, and most of 'em ain't.

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck, part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the childrun raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last of all, Bobby Lee stated "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

a little boy was diggin a hole in his backyard, the neighbor lady looked over the fence and says "hey johnny what are you up to"
johnny says "my goldfish died so i am having a funeral", so the lady says "well thats an awefully big hole for a goldfish",
"well he is in your stupid cat"

The Navy found they had too many men and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "Of course they were cleaned, Father. They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite of the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled:

"Here Soap! Here Water!"

hank
If I can't fix it
I'll F*ck it up so bad nobody else will be able to either

Find Out If You Are a Sensitive Man:

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU ARE 100% RED BLOODED MAN!"


Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"

Golf on the Sly
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work, and if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management


The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said.
"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

A man goes up to the minister in a local church. "Reverend," he said, we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
Yes, you are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your Redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.



There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"



The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
for thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen


During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in the Good Book."
A woman in a back pew raised her hand and asks, "What about PMS?" Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh here it is: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.'"



New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.
What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover? Asked the IRS auditor.
Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you`re a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?
Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they send us little pricks like you.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The

lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down,
and all I owned was destroyed by the fire.
The insurance company paid for everything and
I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer.
I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by aflood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused.
"How do you start a flood?" he asked.

hank
If I can't fix it I'll F*ck it up so badly nobody else will be able to either

ok here is one kinda dumb but i like it
what did the fish say when he swam into the wall............
Dam!

what do you call 5 blondes standing ear to ear?

Windtunnel.


what is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

the refridgerator dosn't fart when you pull out the meat.

A couple has a dog who has a horrible snoring problem
when it sleeps. The wife goes to the vet to see if he
can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon
around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins
snoring, asusual. The wife tosses and turns, unable
to sleep. Muttering to herself, shegoes to the closet
and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around
the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from
being out.drinking with his buddies. He climbs into
bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of
blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman
sleeps soundly.
The Husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles
into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his
privates. He is very confused and as he walks back
into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to
his dog's
testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
"I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by
God, we took first and second place!"

The Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the Doctor's' office and says that her body hurts. Wherever she touches it.

Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on Her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes Her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle And screams.. Everywhere she touches makes her Scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a Redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your Finger is broken."