Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the
end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say,
'That hurt, you moron'?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and
a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays?
Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American
food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all
there's no sense in two people remembering the same things.

Is the real reason women live longer than men because they
don't have to live with women?

16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a
lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the
crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.

*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A Daring New Position

JOHN G: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"


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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


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A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


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Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


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There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"


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A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"


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There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.


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There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


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A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"


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Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


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A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"


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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.


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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".


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There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"


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Duane...those are really good!

Denny...mind if I copy that one for my snowman collection? I just love snowman jokes he he he!

Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Geez, 29 Street Rod, are those guys stuck on terminal stupid or what? Hilarious!!!!! Why did they even think of pulling in that direction?

I think you hit the nail on the head, they did not think. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall when he talked to his insurance man!!

Here is another one (watch his eyes), when you get your car built and need a test driver this guy should fit the bill.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/noseatbelt.html

Originally posted by lt1s10
A Daring New Position

JOHN G: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

Geez...you guys are posting em faster than I can read...sides...my eyes are watering from laughing...CUT IT OUT lol!!!!!

Here's a silly one...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

hello I'm back!!!

some of you have a sick sence humor he he and I love it

Okay! okay! one more I've got lots but I will control myself

well

SITUATIONS HALLMARK DOESN'T COVER...

1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ...
(inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ...
(inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
(inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ...
(inside card) Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. .
(inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ..
(inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
(inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . .
(inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, and West Virginia).

14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!.
(inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card) Have such an ugly baby?

Tis the season

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming ...



New from MATTEL: Administrative Barbie: Works twelve hour days for little pay (70% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop and directions for the coffee machine. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini Bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, and Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Scientist Barbie. Scientist Barbie comes complete with a white lab coat, map of the human genome, pictures of fetal defects, and 2 books (Sigma catalogue, and How to lie with Statistics). HIV, Hepatitis, H Pylori, and pregnancy tests can be order from Sigma. Pull her chord to hear her say: 'Who cares if math is hard when you have a TI-85', and 'There's REALLY nothing dangerous about Radioactive materials'. Scientist Barbie drives a classic 1979 'vette......chevette, that is, because everybody knows that academia doesn't pay. Microscope, transgenic mice, and dissecting scalpel needed to undercut fellow researchers and stab collaborators in the back sold separately. Small animal surgery kit includes coupon for Dominatrix Barbie accessories.

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, 'Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic.' Comes with a 'One Day at a Time' bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from 100% post-consumer recycled materials.



College student Barbie. Comes with backpack, birkenstocks, and t-shirt with credit card logos. College student Barbie's back is hunched over in order to hold the backpack with 10 lbs of books (sold separately). Pull the string on her back and hear her say: 'Anyone up for a game of Euchre?', and 'Don't talk to me, I have a hangover'. Comes with a list of phone numbers of classmates to call to get the notes she missed from last week's Human Development Lecture. Coming soon... College Dropout Barbie. I just thought about Not Available: Engineering Student Barbie and Ken. Package not available that's strong enough to hold ego.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the jungle.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership pamphlet on union-organizing & pay scales for women compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says, 'Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!'

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with love handles, double chin, a curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Breyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading 'Only the Weak Don't Eat', and, of course, an appetite.

Tomboy Barbie... Comes with complete jeans and Microsoft t-shirt, sneakers and backpack. Tomboy Barbies come with short or long hair (never blonde), and optional tattoo kit, car repair kit, sports equipment (basketball, baseball, and soccer equipment), pet dog Baron, and jogging outfit. Pull the cord and hear Tomboy Barbie say 'That's not fair...' or 'Just use the monkey wrench to fix that.' This Barbie has no makeup on the face and no ring holes in the fingers. Equestrian Barbie... Specially molded hips to allow legs to split and ride astride. Barbie has English, Western, and Medieval riding outfits, comes with horse Prancer, with all the tack, buckets, brushes, blankets, food, combs, lead rope, and barn equipment. Equestrian Barbie also has bag of carrots. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Easy there big guy, whoa...' and 'Oh shit.' This Barbie cannot wear any tight clothes of other barbies due to the change in hip molding. SCA Barbie Available only in dark or red hair, this Barbie (named Barbara) is dressed in the basic SCA t-tunic with options for Elizabethan, middle period, early period fop, and Scottish or Mongolian. She has pouch, belt, chair, candle and trencher. She comes with Companion Kenneth, complete in his t- tunic and leggings with boots, optional clothes include matching outfits with Barbara. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Where is Court?' 'Long live the King' and 'Let's set up camp.' Pull Kenneth's string to hear him say... 'Have some more mead, dear,' 'I accept,' and 'No, no, after you...' The Barbara doll is modified - she has flat feet, no arch, and cannot wear heels. Animal Lover Barbie This Barbie comes with washable cotton dress, leather gloves and a towel to wrap her cats in. She has four cats, two dogs, ten fish, two ferrets, and a pair of gerbils (mating pair, no less). Send coupons away to get baby gerbils (available only in lots of forty). Pet dishes, brushes, and calendars for vet visits are included. Dogs, cats, and ferrets require batteries for the motion-sensors that cause them to make noise. Barbie also comes with food bags, pooper scooper, tanks for the gerbils, and leashes for the big animals. Send away in a contest to win a free llama, sheep, goat, and horse combo for Barbie! Pull her string to hear her say... 'Ah, feeding time, my lovelies...' and 'Down boy! Sit!' and 'No, no no no no' and 'Not again...' Available only in rural areas.

Barbell Barbie Comes with neatly clipped razor cut, overly muscular body, and bottle of steroids. Dressed in 'Gold's Gym' togs, B.B. (as she prefers to be called) is ready to hit Muscle Beach at a moment's notice (Muscle Beach sold separately, Muscle Beach Ken sold separately). Pull her string and she grunts, or says 'I _never_ take steroids.' [andrea's note: please feel free to add to this! i'm pulling as blank on what kind of car she would drive. as you can see, i'm more familiar with the one below

Dominatrix Barbie Dressed in a latex jumpsuit and boots, leather gloves, and studded mask, Mistress Barbie cracks her whip. Blond hair can either be worn through the pony-tail holder in hood, or come off completely for full bald effect. Body piercings are removable and fit in any and all holes, and tattoos are moveable and replacable. Comes complete with full dungeon playpen and Slave Ken (wearing leather harness, collar, g-string, butt plug, and full hood). Pull her string and she says, 'Lick my boots, pig!' and 'You need to be disciplined.' Other available outfits and accessories: latex teddy, fetish boots, leather harness, latex harness, corsets (both leather and latex), corset dresses (both leather and latex), leather hood, latex stockings, and assorted body jewelry (including nipple and clitoral rings and barbells).

Divorce Barbie: Comes with all Ken's toys.