Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Fred is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - he hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that too..."
"Hold on now, after all that just how did he die?"

"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house!"

Now we've retired we're downsizing.
I'm emptying my aviary of all my birds, selling off the lot.
Yesterday I sold one of my homing pigeons.

It's the tenth time I've sold it this year.

Life...is good.

She offered her honour.
He honoured her offer.
And all night long it was honour and offer.

Originally Posted by johnboy

She offered her honour.
He honoured her offer.
And all night long it was honour and offer.

That is rude, crude and ill mannered, but I LOVE it

A British engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan making landmines that look like prayer mats.

He says that prophets are going through the roof.

New Zealand is now under another Covid lockdown. These lockdowns are getting annoying and quite frankly I’ve had enough.
I’ve discussed the matter over a cup of tea with the kitchen sink, and we both agree that the experience is draining.
I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts the wrong spin on everything.
Same with the fridge. He only gives me the cold shoulder.
I asked the lamp, but she couldn’t shed any new light on the situation.
The vacuum cleaner was rather rude and told me to suck it up Princess. The threshold was no better, it suggested I get over it.
The carpet advised me to sweep my feelings under the rug. But the fan was more upbeat and thought that the crisis would soon blow over.
The toilet looked a bit flushed and didn’t offer an opinion.
The wall didn’t say a word either, just gave me a blank stare.
The doorknob was more forthcoming - told me to get a firm grip on the situation and move on.
The front door declared I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to.....you guessed it right - pull myself together.
Then the chair told me to table it, and the table remarked, I didn’t have a leg to stand on. When I told the table to break a leg, the mirror said that my comments reflected poorly on my thinking .
However, in the end, the iron set things straight . She said everything will be fine .
No situation is too pressing for long anyway.

Always the wordsmith JB.. like you covid keeps us in its grasp and now at the moment we're awaiting Hurricane Henri to completely engulf us.. almost 30 years ago to the week Hurricane Bob ran us over and it's been a good bit of years since. I've got nowhere to go, raining and the wind is starting to pickup... so we'll hunker down -same as Gods own - and say a lil prayer that all will be well. Miss you and SWMBO, hope you are both well on the New Selection.

So, Wee Jimmy comes home from Church with a black eye.
His dad says, "Jimmy, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
Wee Jimmy says, "But Dad, it wisnae my fault."
"We were all in church saying our prayers."
"When we all stood up I noticed my teacher in front of me had her dress in the cheeks of her bottom."
"I reached over and pulled it out and that's when she hit me!"
"Jimmy," says his dad. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
So, the very next Sunday Jimmy comes home with the other eye black and blue.
Jimmy’s dad says, "Jimmy, I thought we had a talk!"
”But Dad," says Jimmy, "It wisnae my fault."
"There we were in church saying our prayers and when we all stood my teacher in front of us had her dress in the cheeks of her bottom again.”
”My pal Tam, who was sitting next to me, saw it and he reached over and pulled it out."
“Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Could someone please tell me what is the lowest rank in the army?

Every time I ask anyone they won't tell me because it's private.

I got a job at a factory that manufactures bicycle wheels.

I'm the spokesman.

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

Finland have just closed their borders with Ukraine.

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

Originally Posted by johnboy

finland have just closed their borders with ukraine.

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

Aaaaarrrgh!
AARGH.jpg

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

Originally Posted by johnboy

.....Me: No, the cars are much faster.

"Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comme...d_the_ferrari/