Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

Three simple steps to solve three major issues.
1. Deepen the the Rio Grande river bed by digging and dredging.
2. Use the dredged dirt to shore of the levees in New Orleans.
3. Fill the Rio Grande with Florida alligators.

A little thinking goes a long way towards helping out.

Italy funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is wider
than its shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1,800,000 euros.
The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study
on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three year of research and cost in excess of 2,500,000 euros they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the Irish decided to
conduct their own study. The Irish didn't really trust the Italian or French
studies.
So after nearly three days of intensive research and at a cost of
approximately 36 euros, the Irish study came to the final conclusion
that the real reason that the head of a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand flying off and hitting your forehead.

Sorry guys but this is the way it was.

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli .

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE.. and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

Very true. And how did we ever survive without CELL PHONES ?? I didn't own one til I was 60, and only got one because my ex-wife bought me one for Christmas. (Always knew she hated me. )

Don

very well put RestoRod. I didn't get into much trouble at school, not because of the teacher, but because of what was gonna happen when I got home.

I remember when we racked leaves and piled them at the curb. Then got potatos wraped in foil, put them in the leaves and had a bon-fire and ate baked potatos for pay for raking the leaves . Played kick the can or soft ball in the street don't do that now I did walk a mile to school and back but it was level ground. At school we had nuns, screw up and they had another use for the ropes around there wast other than holding a rosery. In h/s in drafting class if you talked you got to kneel on an architect scale. Talk in biolegy and you went to the hall with the teacher. He would reach behind the door and grab his paddel (the same one you made in shop class) you'd get to bend over grab your jewels and hope it was over soon. You didn't call a cop for child abuse and you didn't tell your folks when you got home or the old man had a razor strap hanging on the basement door. I don't know that things are better now in fact I doubt it.

Remember getting "put out in the hall" for misbehaving? I always tried to look like I belonged there until the period was over so the Principal wouldn't find me and take me to the office for the "board of education."


Don

Nuthing like being made to get ol switch off the tree!!!The trauma was so bad as an adult I do not remember ever getting hit just the havin to go get the switch I am sure i got hit with it once or twice

" Just wait til your Father gets home " were the WORST words in the world.

It was like "OH S*** "

Don

Yea my dad worked 3/11 so you didn't know if you were going to get woke up or wait till the week end to fell the barbers strap. Seemed nomater how fast you ran that circle you couldn't get away., and DON"T BUT YOUR HAND BACK THERE.

SAY you don't think our dads are related

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mister, taste this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It is. How old am I?"

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."*

TRUE STORY
Back in my younger days I had surgery on my stomach. Somthing to do with a smart remark I made in a bar. Anyway shortly after the operation while in the hospital bed in comes a little nurse. She says I have to check your incesion(?) Being the smart a$$ that I was I told her it would cost her a quarter. She promptly turned and left. I thought good now I can get back to sleep. But to my surprise she returned ploped 2 quarters on the side table ripped back the sheets and my gown and said "for fifty cents I get to see it all" NEVER get your nurse P!$$ed off.