Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Git-r-done!!!!

UnitedStates.jpg

Don

Sounds like a solid plan to me! Problem solved! LOL!

Yep, that outta do it.

A few of us from work would go to the one guys private shooting range sometimes after work, and one of the guys is a gun fanatic. He was in some secret military group that worked undercover in the jungles of Cental America, so he is kind of an "on the edge" guy anyway.

He has a rifle pretty much like the one in the picture, but a little shorter. It is a 50 calibre custom made rifle that was formerly used in helicopters as a machine gun. The shells are like 6 inches long, and it will go through concrete blocks and trees like they aren't there.

When he fires it, the shockwave of air hits you 20 feet away. One of the guys said, "let Don shoot your rifle once.", so I did. As soon as the thing went off I exploded with a string of profanities, because it was that powerful. Even though it was on it's own tripod, you can't imagine the power of this thing. Probably the most useless gun in the world, but really a blast to shoot. (no pun intended)


This picture reminded me of that gun.


Don

Oh Lord, Denny, I haven't heard that since Boot Camp in 66. Geez, that just reminded me of how old I am getting and how late it is. Guess I'd better take my Old Salt butt to bed.

Originally Posted by DennyW

Oh, and don't forget, "this is my rifle, this is my gun "

It must be the same all over the world, we were told that too! "One's a rifle, the other's a gun, one's for shooting, the other's for fun."
I had actually forgotten about that 'til you guys brought it up.

johnboy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old
> son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
> and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
> He began his commentary as his parents put their plan nto operation:
>
> "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
>
> A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
>
> A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
> out.
>
> "Matt's riding a new bike....."
>
> A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
>
> "Jason is on his skate board...."
>
> A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
>
> Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out,
> "How do you know they are having sex?"
>
> "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."





Don
>
>
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
M is for my Memory which ain't worth a cent
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo,that's "dizzy",you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

Joke # 1



LATEST POLLING SHOWS
> Forty-three percent of all Americans say
> that immigration is a serious problem.
>
>
> The other 57 percent said,
> "No hablo inglés"

Joke # 2



DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise
ship. I've packed all my
pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.








______________________________________________________


DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful
and we saw some whales and
dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has
started to be. I met the
Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.




______________________________________________________


DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did
some shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain
invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very
attractive and attentive gentleman.






______________________________________________________


DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK. won
about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We
had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me
to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.






___________________________________________________


DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go
to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day
inside. The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a
charming gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the night and again I
declined. He told me that
if I didn't let him have his way with me he would
sink the ship. I was appalled.




______________________________________________________


DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today.
Twice.

Joke # 3





GOOD MORNING,

WELCOME TO THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.



Press "1" for English.



Press "2" to disconnect until you have

learned to speak English

Two good ole boy's down in Ala. were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...
After a while the first guy says to the second,
"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was huntin",and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy cocked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, hs says, Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

General Custer was on his way to the Little Big Horn when he decided to take a detachment of 10 men with him and jog over to a small town. Just outside of town he found a farmstead. He told the farmer he and his troops headed to the Little Big Horn and asked if could he leave the detachment horses there for watering and feed while he and his men went to town. The farmer said yes but he'd have to leave one man there to watch them.

So Custer said "Cpl Peters, you stay here and watch the horses"

He and the other 9 went to town. They found one bar which was also a cat house. After an hour he approached the Madam and asked if her group could service them.

She asked how many they were.

Custer said "Ten without Peters"

The madam looked him and said "Ten without Peters? Get out of my establishment, we can't do anything for you."

Geez, I had really hosed that one up till I went back and edited it. DOH!!!!!!