Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Homeland security is really on the ball.


Don

Not a joke, but just plain funny.


Don


http://media.putfile.com/Bush-Video-50

men can never win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up on yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.











One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."









A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ..... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."













It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"









John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.









After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her. Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you will always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her. Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you.









What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They`re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They`re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.


Conclusion: They`re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don`t hear you when you`re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they don`t want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.


Conclusion: They`re tiny men in little fur coats.







There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy said to the other, ''Let's go downtown and get a couple of girls!'' So they went downtown that night, but the girls they found thought they were sleazy and decided to play a trick on them by slipping out and sticking blow-up dolls in the beds.

The next morning one of the guys said, ''I think my girl was dead, because she didn't grunt or groan when we were having sex last night.'' The other guy said, ''I think my girl was a witch, because when I bit her on the tit she hissed and flew away....''









An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"

His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"









There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.


Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."


After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.


Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.


Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."


"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."









The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"Me"





TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY WHILE WAITING FOR YOUR DATE AT HER PARENTS' HOUSE

10. Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drug store.

9. Show me how you used to spank her.

8. Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.

7. Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?

6. I just got my license today.

5. I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature.

4. Five bucks says she's a D-cup.

3. Do you have an empty pop can and some matches?

2. Hi, I'm Robert, but my friends call me "Back Door Bob".

1. So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?









Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city.


The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."


The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."


The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."


The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed.


Mama wrote:


"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."


"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."


"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."


"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband ..1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband ..2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband ..3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband ..4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband ..5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband ..6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband ..7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband ..8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband ..9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband ..10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"



"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

only thing the Lawyer did was argue with it.
Then she married a hot rod mechanic, he gladly tore into it the first night and he's been working on it ever since.

Originally Posted by 42K3

only thing the Lawyer did was argue with it.
Then she married a hot rod mechanic, he gladly tore into it the first night and he's been working on it ever since.

Jerry, smelling of strong drink, sat down on the subway next to a
priest.

Jerry's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes Jerry turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me
Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes, and a lack of personal hygiene."

Jerry muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on
the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," Jerry replied. "I was just reading
here that the Pope does."

see even the pope git er done

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY??? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Be EXTRA careful at Costco!!



Please be careful. I don't know how many of you shop at Costco, but
this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while
out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you. The victims
are always males, so ladies, please pass this information along to your
husbands and male friends.

Here's how the scam works...

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to
another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday,
again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely will again tomorrow.

And we don't have a Costco, Damn!

Just got these:


Don

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?" He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.
" She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night." He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out." She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
" Mission Accomplished."

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life --until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing... only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing,' he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?' replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible,' stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my email?!"