Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."



They took the bus

The doctor said, "Joe the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the presure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the presure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought," That's what I need...a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman," I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,"Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed,"Thats right how did you know."
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit..it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said,"sure."
The salseman eyed Joe and said,"Lets see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "Thats right how did you know?"
The salesman said, "Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underware?"
Joe thought for a moment and said,"Sure." The salesman said."Lets see... size 36."
Joe laughed, Ah ha! I got you, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit-$400 New shirt-$36 New underware- $6. Second opinion
PRICELESS

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature throught such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing? "she asked.
They'er mating he replyed.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

Thats a Daddy llonglegs her father answered

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" she asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs".

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :cry: :cry: :cry: :lol: :lol:

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that
this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?



"She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Two indians and a West Virginia hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave."Wooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!" ha called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering Wooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo! He then tore off his close and ran into the cave.
The hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining indian what it was all about."Was the other indian crazy or what?" The indian replied "No,it is our custom during mateing season when men see a cave they holler Woooo!Wooooo!Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means theres a beautiful woman in there waiting fo us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second indian ran up to the cave,stopped, and hollered "Wooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!" Immediately, there came the answer "Woooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!" from deep in the cave. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for awhile, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the indians found. There must be some realy big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might"Wooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, W0000000, W0000000,W0000000!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day the headlines of a local newspaper read.......
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN".

A redneck cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat."

The redneck cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool cause he's tied under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."

The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."

The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex."

The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!"

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden but it was very hard work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot.
If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I
buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire
area, with out finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

This guy had what he thought was a great tattoo... until he
wound up being sent to prison on an unrelated charge. Now he's...
THE MOST POPULAR GUY IN PRISON

buba Who :lol: :lol:

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.
The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price would go down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
Problem solved

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time." The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
>
> Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel
> like it, I just want you to hold me."
>
> I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
>
> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
>
> "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
> for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
>
> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
> for
who
> I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
>
> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
> sleep.
>
> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
> with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
> big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
> on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
> one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
> shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for
> each outfit."
>
> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond
> earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought
> I
was
> one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because
> she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
> tennis.
>
> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
> was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
> Smiling
with
> excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
> dear, let's go to the cashier."
>
> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
> feel like it."
>
> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
> "WHAT?"
>
> I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're
> just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy
> your shopping needs as a woman."
>
> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
> added,
"Why
> can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
>
> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
> bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

now thats a good one

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a b ell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses." "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."