Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He dosen't seem to be breathing,his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says," Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence. Then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,..........." Okay...now what?"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A reporter is intervieving a 104-year-old woman: "And what do youthink is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied," NO per presure."

^ That is a good one

If Noah had been truly wise He would have swatted those 2 flies.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostrate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. BUT, thank God, I still have my drivers license.

Being old is cool, because..........

Seniors are the biggest carrier of aids.
They carry band aids, rolaids, hearing aids....

I feel like my body has gotten totaly out of shape, so I got my doctors permission to join a fitness club and start exersising. I decided to take an areobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

There is a guy walking along the beach sobbing because his wife divorced him & finds an old brass lamp & picks it up & rubs it & a Jeanie pops out...
The Jeanie says..thanks Mr!,ive been in here for over 2000 years!,now you have 3 wishes of anything you want. but your X wife gets double of what you wish for so think carfefully of what you want..
The guy thinks for a minute,than says..OK,i want 20 billion dollars...the jeanie again reminds him his X gets double but the guy says thats OK,so poof,he has 20 billion..
Then on the second wish he asks for a big beautifull mansion up on a 1000 acres of beautifull property in the mountains,the jeanie again reminds him his X gets double,the guy just smiles says thats OK & poof he has it...
so the jeanie says OK this is your last wish,what do you want?...the guy smiles & says...i want to be beat 1/2 to death.......

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little

TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the o n e with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Santa Claus comes down a chimney on xmas eve & starts putting presents under the xmas tree & when finished starts eating the cookies & milk left for him when a hot lookin babe walks in the living room,he's startled to see her there & then she says..Santa,wont you PLEASE stay with me for a while?,i really need some company tonight..
Santa says..Ho Ho Hoooo,gotta go,gotta deliver xmas presents..
So the hot babe takes off her house coat,man,this babe has the most PERFECT body with PEFECT breasts! & says to Santa in a sexy voice..Santa,wont you PLEASSEEE stay with me for a while,im really hot & horny..Santa says..Ho Ho HOOO!,gotta go!,gotta deliver the xmas presents!..
So the hot babe takes ALL her clothes off & starts rubbing herself all over her body & says..Santa..wont you PLEASEEEEEEE stay with me for a while,i realllyyyyy need someone to boink my brains out....
Santa looks in amazement at the hot beautifull babe & says...
Hey Hey HEYYY!!!gotta stay!!!,cant go up the chimney with my dick this way!!!

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. " Wal-Mart?" The preacher exclamied. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week".

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used toi be.

Memory's the second thing to go. I forget what the first thing is.