Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A reporter is intervieving a 104-year-old woman: "And what do youthink is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied," NO per presure."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little

TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the o n e with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Santa Claus comes down a chimney on xmas eve & starts putting presents under the xmas tree & when finished starts eating the cookies & milk left for him when a hot lookin babe walks in the living room,he's startled to see her there & then she says..Santa,wont you PLEASE stay with me for a while?,i really need some company tonight..
Santa says..Ho Ho Hoooo,gotta go,gotta deliver xmas presents..
So the hot babe takes off her house coat,man,this babe has the most PERFECT body with PEFECT breasts! & says to Santa in a sexy voice..Santa,wont you PLEASSEEE stay with me for a while,im really hot & horny..Santa says..Ho Ho HOOO!,gotta go!,gotta deliver the xmas presents!..
So the hot babe takes ALL her clothes off & starts rubbing herself all over her body & says..Santa..wont you PLEASEEEEEEE stay with me for a while,i realllyyyyy need someone to boink my brains out....
Santa looks in amazement at the hot beautifull babe & says...
Hey Hey HEYYY!!!gotta stay!!!,cant go up the chimney with my dick this way!!!

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. " Wal-Mart?" The preacher exclamied. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week".

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used toi be.

Memory's the second thing to go. I forget what the first thing is.

So this Jewish guy goes to his rabbi and says, "Feh! Rabbi, I got this problem you wouldn't believe. All my life I've been a good Jew. My father was a good Jew. But my son, the schlep, he turns Christian. What is a good Jew to do?!?"

The Rabbi gets a thoughtful look and says, "Its a funny thing you should mention that, I got that same problem. We should go to the temple and ask the head rabbi."

So they walk to the temple and find the head rabbi.

"Rabbi", says the holy man, "Look at this man. All his life he's been a good Jew. His father was a good Jew. Me? I'm a rabbi! And my father was a good Jew. Both of our sons? You know what they went and did? They became Christians! What is a good Jew to do?!?"

The head rabbi gets a thoughtful look and says, "Its a funny thing you should mention that, I got the same problem. We should ask God."

The head rabbi goes up to the altar and intones, "God! Yaweh! Father of all fathers! We got this problem you wouldn't believe! Look at this man. All his life he's been a good Jew. His father was a good Jew. And here we have a rabbi, a good man, and a good Jew all of his life! He's a rabbi, for feshuggina's sake! And you know me! I'm a good Jew if there ever was one! But our sons? Our flesh and blood? They become Christians! WHAT IS A GOOD JEW TO DO?!?"


Lightning strikes the four corners of the temple. The clouds part, there is an angelic chorus, and this huge, awesome voice booms...


"Its a funny thing you should mention that, I got the same problem....."

oy vey !!!!!!!!!!!!!

for all of us 60 year old folks


A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."

Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"

As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up?
Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

Hope this works and turn up your volumn
www.dedge.com/flash/hangman/

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
>party.
>
>
> The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
>of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
>kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>
>The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
>in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
>returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
>
>As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
>spends the night.
>
>The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
>fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
>second request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
>him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
>across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
>
>Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
>time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
>Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>
>The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
>a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
>request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
>
>The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
>Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
>ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb
>ass horse. For the last time . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"





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A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were
> sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
> of the
> church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
> trampling
> each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
> everyone
> had exited the church except for one, an elderly gentleman who sat calmly
> in
> his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
> enemy
> was in his presence.
>
> So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>
> "Yep, sure do."
>
> "Aren't you afraid of me?"
> "Nope, sure ain't."
> "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
> "Don't doubt it for a minute."
> "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> AGONY for all eternity??"
> "Yep," was the calm reply.
> "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
> "Nope."
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
> me?
> The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
>
>

Devil says to Lawyer, I will make you the richest most successful Lawyer in the world if you just sign over the souls of your wife and first born child.
Lawyer replies, what's the catch?

Rattlesnake is crossing the road and when he gets to the other side he notices his rattlers are missing. He turns around and goes back out into the road to retrieve his rattlers when a truck comes along and runs over his head.
Moral of the story. Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.