Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "Firstly, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."

Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"

As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up?
Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

Hope this works and turn up your volumn
www.dedge.com/flash/hangman/

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
>party.
>
>
> The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
>of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
>kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>
>The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
>in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
>returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
>
>As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
>spends the night.
>
>The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
>fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
>second request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
>him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
>across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
>
>Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
>time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
>Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>
>The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
>a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
>request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
>
>The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
>Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
>ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb
>ass horse. For the last time . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"





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A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were
> sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
> of the
> church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
> trampling
> each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
> everyone
> had exited the church except for one, an elderly gentleman who sat calmly
> in
> his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
> enemy
> was in his presence.
>
> So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>
> "Yep, sure do."
>
> "Aren't you afraid of me?"
> "Nope, sure ain't."
> "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
> "Don't doubt it for a minute."
> "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> AGONY for all eternity??"
> "Yep," was the calm reply.
> "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
> "Nope."
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
> me?
> The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
>
>

Devil says to Lawyer, I will make you the richest most successful Lawyer in the world if you just sign over the souls of your wife and first born child.
Lawyer replies, what's the catch?

Rattlesnake is crossing the road and when he gets to the other side he notices his rattlers are missing. He turns around and goes back out into the road to retrieve his rattlers when a truck comes along and runs over his head.
Moral of the story. Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class ,who can tell me who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Jhon: You told me to do it without using tables.


Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, thats wrong
Glenn: Maybe its wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


Teacher: Donald,what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O

Teacher: Glenn, why are you always so dirty?
Glenn: Well, I'm closer to the ground than you are.


Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing that we have today that we
didn'yt have 10 years ago.
Winnie: Me!

A true Story - New Neighbors House

Read the story below before you look at the pictures.


This is a true story, it happened in Utah and was on the news!
I thought each of you could use a little comic relief today. Here's the
story. A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood. He
had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor
purchased the lot below his house and built. Apparently, the new home
was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton,
mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the
lower roof line ordinance.
Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as you can
imagine - not great feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line
-
no doubt at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new
neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't
like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When
they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they
found...

thats awsome

Don

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone:
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence:
"Well, stop fukcing clapping then!"

Two women in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

Q: Why didn't the Pirate take the M train ?
A: Because he was waiting for the AHRRR.

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent.

The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.

"Twenty bucks a trick!"

These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent.

Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"

She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the street."

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she
in the lower.

About 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*@#ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he f@#ted.