Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Here is a neighbourly solution


We have a full truck and trailer of sawdust delivered to any destination of your choice in the North Island.
Delivery is easy
We just back that big old rig up and dump it where ever you want.
Whether it be that noisy whinging neighbour or that ex that wont leave u alone. ( Within reason )
We have the right to reneg on any destination.
Very negotiable on destination


Love Thy Neighbour

Happy Bidding

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

At a gynecologists' convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".

"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't refering to size but to taste."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH ... ALL...
PARTIES!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
.....Today you voted."



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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize' but they also awarded him the 'Pulletsurprise' as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

One day in the future,Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
" I don't know what to do here," says the devil. " You are on my list, butI have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a coulpe of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll let YOU decide who leaves".
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No" Jesse said. " I don't thinkso. I'm not a swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer time after time after time.
"No, I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented Jesse.
The Devil opened the thied door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arm tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle thisd".
The Divel smilled and said..........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Corporate Ingenuity in America

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River .

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American's rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India .

Thats not funny but its TRUE Been there

Originally Posted by cffisher

Thats not funny but its TRUE Been there

This also represents my old co., GE. Luckily I held on til I could retire

I beleave they are all that way. I held on at Reynolds Aluminum as long as I felt I had to. They no longer exist at least not under that name.

Q: What do you get when you mix a computer and a prostitute ?

A: A f....n know it all

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over enthusiastic on the martinis.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they whiz behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she though she'd take off her panties, use them and then theow them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underware and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon.
After finishing, they then made there way home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said," this girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties".
"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck in her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU"

I was walking down a busy sidewalk, fully aware I was late for work, when my eye fell upon one of those homeless vagabonds found in every modern inner city.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this tramp's demeanor.
Some people turned to stare.
Others looked away as if the sight would contaminate them.
Recalling some long-ago Sunday School lesson to "care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked", I was moved by an inner urge to reach out to this less fortunate one.
Where some people saw only rags, I saw the hidden beauty.
A small voice inside me echoed, said "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did

I get out of jail in 6 weeks