Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Anyone going faster than me is good cause they can get the cops attention

lead,follow or get the hell out of the way!

For you golfers

maybe a repost but a goodie just the same

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.


Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"


The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"


"Very well," said the voice.


The light went out.


The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:


"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped!"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this!"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was sign ed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless!"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"



A poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it; don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Grass and hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is a nothing more than an efficient way of delivering vegetables to your system. Grass is a green leafy vegetable and beef is a good place to source it. Need grains? Eat chicken. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more goodness that way. Also, beer is made from grain. BOTTOMS UP!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, and so on.

Q: What are some of the benefits of participating in a regular exercise programme?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION! Foods these days are fried in vegetable oil. In fact they're saturated in it. How can getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me getting a bit soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger, so you should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans? Another vegetable!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape impotant for my life-style?
A: Hey! "Round " is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


johnboy

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why"?

The worker yelled back "His wife is here with his lunch!"

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Clyde said, "well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question"

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, My favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just be her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Then, the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

NOW WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY?

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
>with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
>her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
>for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
>before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells
>the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for
>about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
>and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
>he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on
>the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
>first time and all.
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets
>his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
>parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

>where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
>and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
>with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
>Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
>and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
> The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
> father was a pharmacist."



Don

I would bet this has happened

There is something familiar about this....but I can't remember what it is. :-)~

happens to me all the time, dif. is i'm the one waiting.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at
the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll
in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two
of my girls on them. They won't know the difference”.

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and
take care of their business.

As they are walking home, the first man says, "You know, I think my
girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving
her."

His friend says, "Could be worse. I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave
her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.

A Martian lands his space-craft at a petrol station on Earth. While the attendant is filling it, he notices the letters UFO on the fuel tank.
"Hey man, does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"Nah...Unleaded Fuel Only".

johnboy