Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Redneck "time out."

She told me we couldn't afford
beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on makeup.

And I asked her how come I had to give
up my stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to
look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

For those who live in the Northern half of the world:

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler



December 8
6:00 PM . It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
And I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No
snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't
think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't inAlaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but
I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that
snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death
with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
or me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles
an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the
Snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace
all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me
for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The
wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me.

Why am I tied to this funny bed?

9" predicted.

Thats why she really went back to her moms, ex was waiting there

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed, he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John does not, John should be at her house around 2:00p.m.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon? Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500," Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Thats called having the " upper hand "

Why are gay men always the first to check out of a motel in the morning?


They pack their shit the night before.

sorry about the last joke


Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast,

it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella,

was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband

as her famous sister had done several years ago..

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.



She allegedly missed the target

and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh

causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition,

and Louella has been charged with

.



.













A Misdewiener!

A man in Christchurch calls his son in Auckland two days before Christmas and says "I hate toruin your day, but i have to tell you that your maother and I are divorcing."
"What ? Why, Dad ?" the son asks.
"After 40 years we can't stand the sight of each other. It's over. I'm moving out tomorrow," the father says. "I'm sick of talking about this - you call your sister in Dunedin and tell her."

The old man hangs up.

Frantic the son calls his sister, who is upset at the news. "They can't get divorced," she says, "I'll talk to them."
She calls her father, "You can't get a divorce, Dad. you and Mum have been so happy together. At least don't make a decision untill I get there. We'll both be there by tomorrow. Untill then, dont do a thing."

She hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Subject: : Retirement Planning
>
>
>
> If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
> now be worth $49.00.
>
> With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
>
> With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
>
> If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
> $49.00 left
>
> But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
> all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
> you would have had $214.00.
>
> Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
> heavily and recycle.
>
> It's called the **401-Keg Plan.**

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!!

Notice the size of this print?

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated

doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart

transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock."

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.