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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #676
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Let's see if I understand

    how the world works lately...


    If a man cuts his finger off
    while slicing salami at work,

    he blames the restaurant.


    If you smoke three packs a day
    for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

    your family blames
    the tobacco company.


    If your neighbor crashes into a tree
    while driving home drunk,

    he blames the bartender.

    If your grandchildren
    are brats without manners,

    you blame television.


    If your friend is shot
    by a deranged madman,

    you blame the gun manufacturer.


    And if a crazed person breaks into
    the cockpit and tries to kill
    the pilot at 35,000 feet,
    and the passengers kill him instead,

    the mother of the crazed deceased
    blames the airline.


    I must have lived too long
    to understand the world anymore.


    So, if I die while my old, wrinkled behind is parked in front of this computer,

    I want all of you
    to blame Bill Gates...okay?

  2. #677
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    THE YEAR 1906
    This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
    The year is 1906.
    One hundred years ago.
    What a difference a century makes!
    Here are some statistics for the Year 1906 :
    ************************************
    The average life expectancy was 47 years.
    Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
    Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
    There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
    The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
    The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
    The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
    The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
    A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
    More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
    Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
    Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
    Sugar cost four cents a pound.
    Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
    Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
    Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
    Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
    Five leading causes of death were:
    1. Pneumonia and influenza
    2. Tuberculosis
    3. Diarrhea
    4. Heart disease
    5. Stroke
    The American flag had 45 stars.
    The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
    Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
    There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
    Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
    Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
    Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )
    Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
    There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !
    Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States, Canada possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
    Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

  3. #678
    R Pope is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Imagine what it'll be like in 100 years? Probably like 1906 again!!!

  4. #679
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    PURINA DIET
    I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in
    line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

    I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
    starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd
    ended
    up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
    awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
    orifices and
    IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
    I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally
    buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
    it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
    eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
    nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
    now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me
    and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

    I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a
    car hit me.

    I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  5. #680
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DennyW
    Good One Mike !!
    talking about dogs, i stay in the dog house so much, when co. comes i don't know whether to smell their butt, or shake their hand.
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  6. #681
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    Quote Originally Posted by lt1s10
    talking about dogs, i stay in the dog house so much, when company comes i don't know whether to smell their butt, or shake their hand.
    Objects in my rear view mirror are a good thing unless,.... they have red and blue lights flashing.

  7. #682
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking

    around town with nothing on except his boots.

    The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing

    walking around town dressed like that?"

    Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on

    the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go

    in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing

    and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy.

    Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I

    should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my

    boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay

    Billy-Bob, lets go to town!' . . . I guess I'm the first one

    here!"

  8. #683
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

    The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

    Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

    "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

    "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

    "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but moan since you've been here."

  9. #684
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    OH man this is some funny stuff......... i was beginning to think no one told jokes anymore........... glad to see them still around and funny as hell ,thank you very much for the laughs. this section gets a bookmark
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

  10. #685
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for
    glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

    The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye
    doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters.

    As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her
    face.

    "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
    getting glasses."

    "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on
    wire frames."

  11. #686
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    You may be a redneck..........

    ....if you've ever taken a pregnancy test AND a sobriety test on the same day!

  12. #687
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One of the Al Quaeda 9/11 pilots made his way to The Pearly Gates. There he was greeted by George Washington.
    "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive." yells Mr Washington as he punches him in the mouth.
    Patrick Henry comes up and punches him in the nose: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, but all you got is death!" and gives him another hefty clout.
    James Madison comes up next, and says: "This is why I allowed the Federal Government to provide for the common defence!" as he drops a large weight on the pilot's knees.
    He is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th century American Revolutionaries.
    As he writhes on the ground Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to meet his final judgement.
    As he awaits his journey to his final (very hot) destination, he screams: "This is not what I was promised!"
    An angel replies; "I told you there would be 72 Virginians awaiting you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

    johnboy
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #688
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    Q: What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

    A: Kids won't eat broccoli.

  14. #689
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    Mice

     



    Any answers
    Attached Images
    Charlie
    Lovin' what I do and doing what I love
    Some guys can fix broken NO ONE can fix STUPID
    W8AMR
    http://fishertrains94.webs.com/
    Christian in training

  15. #690
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    Divorced Barbie


    One day a father gets out of work and
    on his way home

    he remembers that it's his daughter's
    birthday.

    He pulls over to a toy store and asks
    the salesperson,

    "How much is the Barbie on the
    display window?"



    The salesperson answers, "Which
    one? We have:

    Work out Barbie for $19.95

    Shopping Barbie for $19.95

    Beach Barbie for $19.95

    Disco Barbie for $19.95

    Divorced Barbie for $265.95



    The amazed father asks: "What?
    Why is the Divorced

    Barbie $265.95 and the others only
    $19.95?"



    The salesperson annoyingly answers:
    "Sir...,

    "Divorced Barbie comes with:

    Ken's Car, Ken's House, half of Ken's Pay Check

    Ken's Boat,Ken's Furniture,

    Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends."
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

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