Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I've got some Saddam Hussien Tee Shirts for sale.

A bit tight around the neck, but they hang well.

johnboy

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a d*** teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a d*** train going around the d*** tree. And when I go outside I want to see a d*** bike leaning against the d*** garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-b****!"

Originally Posted by johnboy

I've got some Saddam Hussien Tee Shirts for sale.

A bit tight around the neck, but they hang well.

johnboy

Wouldn't you just know it now that Saddam's been executed? I got another Saddam joke just now.
If the trial had taken place while Saddam was in control, it would've resulted in a hung jury.

johnboy

Q: What does Saddam Hussein and the Oakland Raiders have in common?

A: Neither one is going to the Super Bowl this year.

Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest "Father, I've done something terrible. I just know they're going to throw me out of the church for this one."

"Hold, on," says the priest, "what have you done that's so bad they're going to throw you out of the church?"

"Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then."

"There's nothing wrong with that," says the priest, "you're allowed to have sex with your wife.

Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?"

"Well," the man said, "they threw us out of the grocery store."

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered.......take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

Originally Posted by TOW'D

"Don't be flattered.......take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

I know, my toes were all gramped up in them.

A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy," said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic."...

Last Words

A very loud, and unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way throuhg the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart greeter says," Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart; nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly women stops screaming long enough to say,"Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, hes 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do they really think they look alike?"
"No." replies the greeter," I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice!!"

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes
out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Man goes to the Doctor and says, Doc, my p*n*s is turning Orange
Doctor asks, what do you do everyday ?
Man replies, oh nothing, just eat cheetos and watch porn.

Katie was staying with her grandfather for a few days.

She had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when she came into the house and asked him, "Grandpa, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

He was a little taken aback, but decided to tell her the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, dear."

Little Katie just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids. A few minutes later she came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" " and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars . .", she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my vife!" Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Vell," Ole says, "neider did I, til you shined dat dang light in her face".