Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own..
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through! But once you see the answer, you'll realize that with just a little reflection, you could've come up with it yourself.

Okay, here goes:

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?










"Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down..."

A man entered a bar, and sat beside a good looking woman. "Hi, come here often?" he asked ?
She turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, I dont care!! "
He raised his eyebrows, thought for a minute and asked her, "So what law firm do you work for ??"

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche

that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.

When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,

"I can't believe you stopped me.

This town must be the asshole of the world!"


The magistrate looked at him and replied,

"And you must be what's passing through."

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in

despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down

here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.

Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink

till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the

world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're

already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,

poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of

crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all

the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never

realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Give Me A Piece Of Ass….

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

A Cowboy goes into a restaurant and orders a "sheepherders breakfast" from a good looking Waitress.
Waitress asks, whats a sheepherders breakfast ?
Cowboy replies "eggs, toast and a piece of ewe"

Q: Why was OJ Simpson cruising around Monica Lewinsky's house ?
A: He heard she likes the Juice.

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.


"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Originally Posted by rbohm

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

Ok, is this stupid or am I the only one?? I don't get it! Someone help me out!

They beat him until he confessed to a crime he didn't commit. :-)

Originally Posted by HOTRODPAINT

They beat him until he confessed to a crime he didn't commit. :-)

humm, I want a new joke!

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

Pfizer Corp. also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."