Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
and fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the
pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
yust take da bus."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference
between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat
flight insurance!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn
signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about,the first
five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, " O.K.
You put, Ole died,. Boat for sale"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
bite and vent blind!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
And dot's enough!!

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

--------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's
red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown."

-----------------------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Way down in Alabama, Bubba’s old lady had been pregnant for
some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the
doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said.
"Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!

"Well Hot Dog!!" Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba!
You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil thing, too...."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
"Hold on, we ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Bubba, you just
had yourself another boy!"

Bubba said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all dem babies?"

The doctor said, "You never know Bubba, it was probably something
that happened during conception."

Bubba said, "Ah yeah, during conception."

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children,
he sat down with his wife and said,

"Mama, you remember the night that we-all ran out of Vaseline
and had to use that there 3 - in - 1 Oil ??."

She said, Yeah, I remember allright..."

Bubba said, "Well, I'll tell you it's a damn good thing we
didn't use that WD-40 !!

A little boy was sitting on the curb
with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along
and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said,
"No, the most powerful liquid in the world
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water
and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied,

"You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass
a Harley Davidson."

A man becomes a widower. After the service the pall bearers are having a hard time manuvering the sizeable casket out of the Church. They bump into the walls and a cry for help comes from inside. "A miracle, Lovey is alive." After a brief hospital stay, Lovey is back home with her husband. A few months later, tragedy strikes , and Lovey dies again. During the second funerary recessional, Hubby is heard to say "Watch the wall there."

*********************************************************

At his own twenty-fifth wedding anneversary party, a man is observed with his head in his hands sobbing. His best friend asks, "This is such a happy occasion, what's wrong?"
The man looks up with hatred in his eyes, "Twenty-five years ago you talked me out of killing her.. today I would've been a free man."

*******************************************************

A man is called to the hospital as his wife has been in a horrible accident.
The doctor informs him that his wife is a vegetable, never to recover, she will need constant care, unable to do anything for herself.
The husband breaks down, hysterical.
The doctor says, "No, I'm just kidding, she's dead."

******************************************************

A hillbilly couple are in their trailer watching Jerry Springer.
She says, "I'm gonna get me one of them there boob jobs."
He replies, "Why don't you just take a piece of toilet paper and wipe it between 'em a couple of times a day."
She snorts "That's not gonna make 'em any bigger."
He mutters, "It worked on your ass, didn't it?"

A Farmer buys his wife a toilet brush for her birthday.
A few days later he asks her how she likes it.
She replies, it's OK but I still prefer toilet paper.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little bastidge, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

(Sorry if this might offend your politics, Hillary is one of my useless NY State Senators with Chuck Shumer the other )

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death
in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in
the world was Chinese.

***************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were
stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up
and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some
things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?"
he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

***************
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

******************

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided
to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to
her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and
simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he
said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's
that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a d***ed
fine
sermon. D***ed good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."

The man said, "I was so d***ed impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No sh**?"

An atheist was walking through the woods.







As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that
the bear was closing




in on him.











He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped &
fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the
bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his
right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my
God!"











Time Stopped.




The bear froze.




The forest was silent.











As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even
credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?











The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could
make the BEAR a Christian"?











"Very Well," said the voice.











The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:











"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen!

A young woman was having trouble finding a date. She was very lonely, and becoming more and more frustrated. Though she was now "lusting" for almost any man, she still could not seem to find anyone who was interested in her.

She had gotten to the point of being so desperate, that she finally confided in a friend, and asked what she was doing wrong? Her friend told her she knew of a Chinese doctor, who seemed to be good at diagnosing this sort of problem, so she made an appointment and went to his office.

The doctor read over her chart, and suprisingly ask her to disrobe. He then instructed her to get down on all fours, and crawl toward him. Suprisingly, he asked her to turn around and crawl away from him. After she finished he told her he knew what the problem is.

"You have Ed Zachery Disease", he stated!

The lady said she had heard of "Lou Gehrig's Disease", but had no idea what "Ed Zachary Disease" was.

He said: "That why men no want have sex with you....Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a$$!"

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't
get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs
covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
we rode our bikes, we ad no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster
seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one
soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from
this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with
sugar, but we weren't overweight because.....

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into
the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all,
no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound,
CD's or ipods, no cell! phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or
chat
rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks
and
tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out
very
many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They
actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . CONGRATULATIONS!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't
it?!