Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes". She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a thundering
FART!!!!! At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there
is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50. The woman is
totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck
Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

those lines were obviously the rejects from valentines cards

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f**king difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!'"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business.

$25.00 per Hour for Repairs

$37.50 per Hour if you watch

$50.00 per Hour if you help

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?

Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.


With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"
One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.
Sure enough,
there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk,
the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price
difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of
sh!t!"

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?
A: Because they taste funny.

Q: How do you cook kidneys ?
A: Boil the piss out of them.

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work" The daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

Cold sholder & Hot toung

Subject: Pilot's complaints

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as
marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline
in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.


P: Balloon performs improperly when overfilled.
S: Do Not Overfill.

P: Radar looks like rabbits jumping over fence.
S: Shot rabbits, chopped down fence.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And last, but not least:

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give
you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..

The girl said, "NO"

Johnny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the
boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes
the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "Johnny used quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

The Perks of Being Over Sixty

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't even remember where you found this list.

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear ?
A: Open Toad

Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In the river bank

Q: Whats the fastest way to double your money?
A: Fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old blond."

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. "

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blond, and she would
make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black
and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises.