Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in
his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted
he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to
have your passport ready." The Canadian said, "The last time I was
here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Canadians always have
to show their passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help
liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-
old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to
his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very
first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the
trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're
amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry
you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies "What, did you tell her you
were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Canada
with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

Q: What is better than Roses on the Piano?

A: Tulips on the organ.

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, be merry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Here's some good(?) advice for you next plane trip. (Well, some "advice," anyway)

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT-MATES
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then hit this link <http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf>

(you may have to copy and paste the link but it is a good one)

No offense to you Dave, or anyone one else from Ireland. But, what do you call two Irish gays:
Michael Fitz Patrick

and

Patrick Fitz Michael.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?







It's not hard.

For those of you who watch what you eat...

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know
the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.





CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently the cause of all the heart attacks

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, " What the hell happened?"
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

There are only two things to worry about
Either you are well or you are sick
If you are well
Then there is nothing to worry about
But if you are sick
There are two things to worry about
Either you will get well or you will die
If you get well
There is nothing to worry about
If you die
There are two things to worry about
Either you go to heaven or hell
If you go to heaven
There is nothing to worry about
But if you go to hell
You'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends
You won't have time to worry
So why worry!

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"


"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.
As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour
wait.I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you
please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought
he would try a different tact.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100."

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball
scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned and
again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, "Uh, 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e
H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside."*Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


***************************************
***************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank
heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


*************************************************************************
**********************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somet hin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries
Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no.

In fact,
he got out three times to pee."



*************************************************************************
***********************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father"
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


*************************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down,but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

Hillery Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing

and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to her,

3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's." Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped.

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning."

Comments made in the year 1955(That's only 52 years ago !):


"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
~~~~
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
~~~~
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
~~~~
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
~~~~
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
~~~~
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
~~~~
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

~~~~
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
~~~~
"I read the other day where some scientist think it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."
~~~~
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
~~~~
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
~~~~
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
~~~~

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
~~~~
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business ." ~~~~

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
~~~~
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
~~~~
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
~~~~
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
~~~~
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
~~~~