Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Experimental Surgery

Experimental Surgery... Bill can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. Bill asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him They take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bill says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bill the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Bill takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bill starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bill says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

Now that's one I never heard before. Hehehehe

Apparently in order to be politically correct, Santa’s laughter has to be changed from "ho" to "hi".
It would sound something like this; from “ho ho ho ho”, to, “ 'I, 'I, 'I, 'Imus behave.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.”

The bartender says, “What've you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The
cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by
this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the
driver's window.
The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her,
what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says : "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her . what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School ' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally. I assumed you had stolen the car."

A Teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-though blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out looking like that!

The teenage tells her "Loosen up grams. These are the modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is siting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that its just not appropriate...

The grandmother says "Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, than i can display my hanging baskets."

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "What should I do?" he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card."

The following are reportedly genuine complaints from tenants to their landlords in England.

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.

recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.


"Is it wine?" she guessed.


"No," the boy replied.


She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.


"No," said the little boy....."It's a puppy!"

Grandpa and Grandson were sitting on the porch when an elderly woman walked by. Grandpa said, boy I'd sure like a taste of that old pu..y.
Grandson says "Grandpa, what does old pu..y taste like?"
Grandpa replies "depends"

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny? breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say,"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
Terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
Little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

> A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
> when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
>
>
>
> The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
> and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
> exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
> calf?"
>
>
>
>
>
> The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
> peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
>
>
>
>
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> The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
> to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet
> where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
> his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
> area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>
>
>
> The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
> to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
>
>
>
> Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
> been processed and the data stored.
>
>
>
> He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
> Excelspreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
> receives a response.
>
>
>
> Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
> miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
> You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>
>
>
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy
>
>
>
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> He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
> the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>
>
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> Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
> your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>
>
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> The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
>
>
>
> You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
>
>
>
> "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>
>
>
> "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
> nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
> question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you
> are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
>
>
>
> Now give me back my dog.
>
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>
> =
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