Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
>her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
>and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
>
>The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
>that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
>family.
>
>The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
>set with pearls.
>
>"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
>
>The seamstress replied, "No."
>
>
>The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
>ringed with sapphires.
>
>
>"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
>
>Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
>
>The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
>
>"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
>
>The seamstress replied, "Yes."
>
>The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
>thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
>
>
>Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
>riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
>water.
>
>When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
>crying?"
>
>"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
>
>The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
>
>"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
>
>"Yes," cried the seamstress.
>
>The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
>
>The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
>misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
>would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would
>have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
>given me all three . Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not
>be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes'
>to George Clooney. "
>
>And so the Lord let her keep him.
>

>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
>1st?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
>spring evening,
> when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened after he sat down?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
>ago.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good
>in years!
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
>him
> "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the
>little basta-d.
>

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off .... Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross " Londoner's have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

I can not believe that this thread is still alive and kickin... what... 59 pages of laughs... does John ever come around anymore?

Good to "see" you Denny... Like the website!

Denny
The sun is out here in Michigan almost anyone could show up.
Hello Jerilynne1965 Hows the project TA

Hey Charlie,
I posted a couple pics on the thread in the lobby titled "Woodward 05... pics" something like that... You don't have any do ya? hehehehe
Jeri

No sorry to say I don't. Thats cool getting the boys involved they will appreciate that TA when they get to drive it

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! Myfavorite thing!


* Excerpts from a Cat's Diary*

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.


They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors" special" was two
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once!

I guy and his wife are at the livestock auction when she starts noticing they post the number of times the bulls have bred. She says wow, look at this, this bull bred 50 times last year, the pretty good once a week. Then she sees one posted that it bred 100 times the previous year. She said, twice a week, I wish you were like that. The next bull is listed as having been bred 300 times the previous year. The wife says "gee honey you should go and ask that bull his secret." The guy says I know his secret, it's not always the same cow he has to breed!
CHAZ