Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Grandpa and Grandson were sitting on the porch when an elderly woman walked by. Grandpa said, boy I'd sure like a taste of that old pu..y.
Grandson says "Grandpa, what does old pu..y taste like?"
Grandpa replies "depends"

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny? breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say,"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
Terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
Little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

An old guy goes to a new doctor and the doc tells him he is the healthiest senior citizen he has ever met. The old guy says you should meet my dad. The doctor says your dad, he must be 90. Yup 92 last month. Wow the doctor says how do you stay so young. Well we do a lot of hunting, out in the woods moving around, its good for you, as a matter of fact my father and I were out hunting this AM. The doctor says OK, how old was your grandfather when he died. The old guy asks, who said he was dead. The doctor says he has to be dead, he would be in the hundred and teens. The old guy says yep, he will be 114 this year. So the doctor says and I suppose your grandfather was out hunting with you this morning. Old guy says nope, he was getting married this morning. The doctor can't believe it, he says why would a guy 114 years old want to get married. The old guy says who said he WANTS to?
CHAZ

The Tomato Garden


An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would
dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. The following day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli)
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it
as a public service.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.”

The bartender says, “What've you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Guy walks into a bar and orders 12 martinis. the bartender says wow, whats the occasion. The guy said that it was the night of his first BJ. The bartender says congrats guy, your drinks are on the house, but why do you need 12 of them? He said I am trying to get the taste out of my mouth!
CHAZ

> A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
> when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
>
>
>
> The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
> and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
> exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
> calf?"
>
>
>
>
>
> The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
> peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
>
>
>
>
>
> The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
> to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet
> where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
> his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
> area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>
>
>
> The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
> to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
>
>
>
> Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
> been processed and the data stored.
>
>
>
> He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
> Excelspreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
> receives a response.
>
>
>
> Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
> miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
> You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>
>
>
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy
>
>
>
>
> He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
> the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>
>
>
> Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
> your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>
>
>
> The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
>
>
>
> You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
>
>
>
> "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>
>
>
> "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
> nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
> question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you
> are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
>
>
>
> Now give me back my dog.
>
>
>
>
>
> =
>
>

The following are reportedly genuine complaints from tenants to their landlords in England.

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.

RestoRod,
Brilliant minds think alike.
http://www.clubhotrod.com/forums/sho...&postcount=925

Now I know where I got that one. CRS moment.

Q: Why does Tiger Woods wear 2 pair of pants ?

A: In case he gets a hole in one.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course,
the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady,
what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled
it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering
our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours
of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes
and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO KIDDING!!!" He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"

A blonde gets pulled over for doing 50 mph in a 35 mph zone.
The officer asks her for a license

"Uhhh...What's that?", the blonde asked.

The officer says, "The little plastic thingy with your picture on it."

"Oh! I've got one of those!" and hands it to him.

"Now I need your registeration. It's the piece of paper that people usually keep in there glove box that says that the car car belongs to them."

"I think I have one of those!" and digs around then hands it to him.

The officer takes them back to radio them in so she rolls her window up to wait.
A few minutes later he comes back and taps on her window so she rolls it back down.
Once she has it rolled down the officer unzips his pants to which the blonde says "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathalizer!!"