Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

Well, it has been confirmed,

McDonald's has reached Africa!
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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
aloud,"Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little
hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably
get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is
delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and
the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"




If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, " how
do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

---------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________ ______ _______________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
W ITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________ ___________ ______

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hissleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_______ _____________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

____________________________________________
And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned
to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning.

So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!"
and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and
the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America:
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.

GUYS HERES FIVE RULES TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1.It's important to have a woman; who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2.It's important to have a woman; who can make you laugh.

3.It's important to have a woman; you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4.It's important to have a woman; who is good in bed and who likes being with you.

5.And Lastly, it's very very important; that these four women do not know each other.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full -time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. Amazingly, the all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defense, that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KqPCcV7lHzc

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine

"What was that for?" he asked

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on," he explained

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was
a good explanation

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she
walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the
iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he
asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

How to Simulate Shipboard Life
(Suggestions for the Ex-sailor who misses the Good Old Days)

1. Sleep on the shelf in your bedroom closet.

2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3. Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble,"time to relieve the watch", then say "whoops, wrong rack".

4. Build a wall in the middle of your bathtub, and lower the shower head to chest level.

5. While showering, have wife turn off water after you are soapy.

6. Put used lube oil in you humidifier and turn it on high, or recycle it in your hot water heater!

7. On TV watch only old movies in the middle of the night, have your family vote on the movie to watch, then tune in a different one.

8. (Mandatory for snipes) Leave the lawnmower running in the living room for 24 hours.

9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

10. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, watch the soot land on your neighbor's car, laugh when he curses you.

11. Buy a trash compactor, use it once a week and store the trash in the other half of the bathtub.

12. Wake up at midnight, have peanut butter on stale bread.

13. Make up the family menu a month in advance without regard for the inventory on hand.

14. Set all alarms to go off at same time (after 2200 hours), when they go off, muster your family in the backyard, grab the garden hose and wet down your house. Or put on stereo headphones, stand in front of the kitchen stove and say to no one in particular, "manned and ready, sir".

15. Once a week take every major appliance apart, and put it back together whether it works or not!

16. Use 12 scoops of coffee grounds for 8 cups water. 16 scoops if it's after midnight.

17. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book.

18. Invite 85 people over to stay for 2 or 3 months.

19. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.

20. When baking a cake: prop up 1 end of the pan,bake, then level it out with icing.

21. Twice a month, throw the cat in the pool, shout "man overboard", run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes off the table and yell at your wife for not having the place stowed for sea.

22. Fill your basement half full of water, set the alarms again, muster, then get the bucket brigade going.

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh
Oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"





The policeman fainted.

Two twin boys wake up on their 6th birthday and decide that they are finally grown men.

John turns to James and says "The only way that people will believe that we are grown ups is to cuss. From now on, I will use the word damn whenever I can."

James agrees and says "From now on, I will use the word ass whenever I can."

They shake on it, get dressed, and head downstairs.

Their mom turns to them and says "Happy Birthday. For breakfast you can have anything you want."

John pipes up and says "Give me some of them damn Cheerios."

Amazed at the language, their mom grabs hold of John, drags him outside and wears his ass out with a wooden spoon.

John runs back into the house crying and the mother returns and quietly says "Well James, what would you like for breakfast?"

James replies "You can bet your ass I'm not asking for any of them damn Cheerios!"