Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of
a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages
to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........




Ees...




Ees.........



Ees....





... Eees a Ham Bush!

Why didn't the Pirate take the A train ?

Because he was waiting for the ARRRRRRH.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a White powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue Smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a Year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harr y rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life .. Just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a Preposition.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight .

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate, so she eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle
facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't
very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" dude !!!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.

3. it’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A guy walks into the bar, opens his briefcase, and on the bar sets down a miniature Steinway and a little man. The little man plays for an hour and the guy collects a number of tips. When the bartender expresses his admiration, the man with the briefcase grimaces. "Whoever hear of a genie with a hearing problem? You really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist

Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalts" and "shalt nots" in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language... read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)

(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma &Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day ya hear.

Originally Posted by Oldf100fordman

A guy walks into the bar, opens his briefcase, and on the bar sets down a miniature Steinway and a little man. The little man plays for an hour and the guy collects a number of tips. When the bartender expresses his admiration, the man with the briefcase grimaces. "Whoever hear of a genie with a hearing problem? You really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist

A spin-off to this joke:

A man walks into a bar and asks for two shots. The bartender asks "Why not just a double?" The man pulls out a little tiny man from his breast pocket and says "One's for him." The man ordered a couple more shots for both of them and after that the little tiny guy started walking down the bar throwing drinks at people, cursing and starting all kinds of trouble. The bartender asks "Whats the deal with this guy? Where did you get him?" The man replied "Well, a genie granted me one wish so I asked for a 12" prick and this is what I got."

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you."

"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag
you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement."

"She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get
up in the middle of th e night to take care of them."

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history......................

The highway patrolman saw a Streetrod running at 30 over and started in pursuit. The driver saw him working through traffic and turned off and took a couple of turns but was finally caught. The cop started with the 30 over and added the evasive action and pulled out his ticket book. He found he couldn't help liking the guy who was very polite. So he said I'm at the end of the shift and I'm over quota so if you got a excuse I havn't head, I'll cut you loose. THe driver thought a minute and said " My wife ran off this a Highway Patrolman last week and when I saw you pull out I thought you were trying to bring her back!

A friend of mine was bragging that 90 percent of fords made after 1970 are still on the road. This means only 10 percent made it home.

Originally Posted by daredevil

A friend of mine was bragging that 90 percent of fords made after 1970 are still on the road. This means only 10 percent made it home.

Veddy vunny, remember ve know vhere you park your vehicles that need no horns.(siad in my best Arte Johnson voice)

Jay Leno once said " You don't need to get married, just find a woman you hate and buy her a house"

Originally Posted by 42K3

Jay Leno once said " You don't need to get married, just find a woman you hate and buy her a house"

Brother, don't I know it. Both of my exes were great house "keepers". To paraphrase W. C. Fields, Aah Yessss, Marriage is a wonderful institution, but frankly I prefer not to be institutionalized.