Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
>1st?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
>spring evening,
> when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened after he sat down?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
>ago.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good
>in years!
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
>him
> "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the
>little basta-d.
>

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off .... Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

You guys all have a wacked sense of humor!!!! Here's another one from my Christmas Cartoon Collection...I have a girlfriend that supplies my habit ha ha!

Originally posted by 29Street-Rod
Not exactly a joke but one of the funniest things I have seen in years, a great group of guys to call if you have have car trouble.

http://www.kastang.net/pictures/snowtowcar.wmv

that was good can any one say stuck on stupid

Ha Ha Ha!

Geez, 29 Street Rod, are those guys stuck on terminal stupid or what? Hilarious!!!!! Why did they even think of pulling in that direction?

Yep, the ol White Rabbit does have the upper hand.

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to
heaven.

There, they are all asked, "When you are in your
casket and friends and family are mourning,
what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, " I would like to hear them say
that I was a great doctor of my time, and
a fine family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I
was a wonderful husband and school teacher
who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them
say, " Look! He's moving!"

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the
end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say,
'That hurt, you moron'?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and
a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays?
Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American
food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all
there's no sense in two people remembering the same things.

Is the real reason women live longer than men because they
don't have to live with women?

16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a
lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the
crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.

*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A Daring New Position

JOHN G: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Duane...those are really good!

Denny...mind if I copy that one for my snowman collection? I just love snowman jokes he he he!

Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Geez, 29 Street Rod, are those guys stuck on terminal stupid or what? Hilarious!!!!! Why did they even think of pulling in that direction?

I think you hit the nail on the head, they did not think. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall when he talked to his insurance man!!

Here is another one (watch his eyes), when you get your car built and need a test driver this guy should fit the bill.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/noseatbelt.html