Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Francisco when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Francisco?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Francisco Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Francisco when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded,
"I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo"

"Yes, I know you did, and I took them there" said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going bowling.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you
should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic
pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete
instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the
instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her
way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens
the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what
is specified:


1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the
frog to do what he has been trained to do.


She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise
nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at
this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of
the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call
the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."


Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.


The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."



The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says:




"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time"

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and
play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense
for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe,
Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf "

... And she said, "Take a sweater."

Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.
"Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night ".

> >
> > 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
> >
> > 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.
> >
> > 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
> >
> > 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
> >
> > Hey Bubba,
> >
> >
> > Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammunition.
> > Back in an hour.
> > Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.
> > I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
> > Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house..
> > Better wait outside. .....Cooter

Good manners and etiquette guide for Australians.

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can delay bathing by only a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proved they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place.)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.


Read on if you have to but you may regret this....................
















Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Fhis and chimps I get, but "mushy bees"? Guess you have to be an aussie. Funny anyway.

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your Hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as Teeth down there!"
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so." "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. "No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies.......................






"Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

lmfao good one

For us Yanks that don't know what mushy bees means, I think the pun is meant to imply "mushy peas".
It is a side dish served with fish and chips and is popular in the Northern part of England.
It is comprised of marrowfat peas which have been soaked overnight and then boiled.

DT

Originally Posted by dogtag

For us Yanks that don't know what mushy bees means, I think the pun is meant to imply "mushy peas".
It is a side dish served with fish and chips and is popular in the Northern part of England.
It is comprised of marrowfat peas which have been soaked overnight and then boiled.

DT

Yup, you're right on the button dogtag. And, to 61bone, I am NOT an Ausbloodytralian.
They're sheep shaggers and shackle draggers, (all descended from convicts,) I'm a KIWI, from New Zealand, God's Own Country.

I stand corrected and apologise to Kiwis everywhere. I have read about the earthworms there and am curious about how big the fish are.

Originally Posted by dogtag

For us Yanks that don't know what mushy bees means, I think the pun is meant to imply "mushy peas".
It is a side dish served with fish and chips and is popular in the Northern part of England.
It is comprised of marrowfat peas which have been soaked overnight and then boiled.

DT

And after spending the last two weeks in Scotland, I can attest that this is their version of 'soul food' and is to be enjoyed regularly along with a pint or several of 70 or 80p suds - Skullsplitter in the Orkney's is one of the sneakiest

A photo of me after a few is attached