Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by 61bone

I stand corrected and apologise to Kiwis everywhere. I have read about the earthworms there and am curious about how big the fish are.

Apology accepted.
Just a week or so ago some fella caught a 300 kg (that's over 600 lbs) tuna.
There's some big fish out there, a lot of Americans/South Africans/Europeans etc. come out every year to catch them.
Big game fishing is quite a tourist industry in God's own.
But if it's big fish you want, talk to TOW'D, he catches them, and he hasn't got a boat, it's a large ship he goes out on!

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades .
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes
for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee
where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water,
shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the

slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures,
all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out

"SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

A BIT OF HISTORY YOU NEVER FOUND IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL HISTORY BOOKS

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!"came
from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country Way back
when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33
[remember this number] in Washington 's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
[remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal
Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back
and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into th! e Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an
hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for
the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and
totally
exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another

hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know,
was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The
door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge
smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need
warmth and comfort! ."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me".

Two sperms were swimming along next to each other, when one sperm says "I am really tired! How long before we get to the fallopian tubes?"
"Ages" says the other sperm, "we have only just gone past the tonsils"

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he
asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How Come?

Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you using Bill Gates's American technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....



That, my friends, is Globalization!

Rectum Stretcher

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS.

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'



The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Charles Schultz Philosophy


The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read
them straight through, and you'll get the point.


1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners. ?

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.??

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.?

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor
and actress. ?

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.


How did you do?


The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their
fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements
are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their
owners .


Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with .


Easier?


The lesson:


The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones
with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care .


Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia

(Charles Schultz)

Cake Or Bed

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily, Does It Look Like I Have GE Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.

Fine.

Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then , Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right.

To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So.

Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?
They Are Just About To Break.

I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix The Steps.
He Says, Does It Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!!

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Hours...............

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home.

As He Walks Into The House, He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House He Sees The Hall Light Is Working.

As He Goes To The Fridge To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.

Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.

He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.

He Said,
So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?

She Replied,
Helloooooo..
Do You See Betty Crocker Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them.

I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out f rom the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I ha! d set b efore hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull.

They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tar out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened?"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.

The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the idiot that tried to rope the deer."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,"
he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Also -

-Lighting farts is what separates us from monkeys