Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Canada & Noah:

The Lord came to Noah, in Canada, in the year 2007. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.

"Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry - in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard - and no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space."

"Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience."

"To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.

"No", said the Lord. "Your Government beat me to it ."

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I
am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it"

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans
and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents. That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need
to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I
was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the
box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula
and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by
your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex
I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They
hugged and made their peace. A little while later
Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money
in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with
empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The Mounties turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first cop turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
***********************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
****************************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns"
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
*************************************

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
*************************************


Couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
***************************************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
************************************

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor ."What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
************************************


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
*************************************

repost? maybe but still good

had an awful day yesterday.

It all started when I crashed the car into the back of someone at a roundabout, this dwarf who was driving lept out and screamed at me "I'M NOT HAPPY!"

All I said was "Well which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.....................

A Gary Larson Cartoon

dogs playing poker

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

An Irish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond.

The Irish farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for."

Which in Gaelic means: "Don't drink the water the cows have sh*t in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."

The Irish farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!!

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't
know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick'
he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate
love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there.'
Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you, I
never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your
brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and
a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.


Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?
Grandpa replied 'Can your p*cker touch you're ass?
The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little p*cker!'
Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.
After a while, Grandpa lit up a cigar.
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'
Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your p*cker touch you're ass?'
The little boy answered 'no,' again.
Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'
The boy asked, 'Can your p*cker touch you're ass?'
Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my p*cker can touch my ass!'
The boy replied, Then go f*ck yourself! Grandma made these for me.'

Bert and his boots

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He's an elderly man
and figures he's not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
about me?'" Margaret looks him over, "Nope" she says.

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little
louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'"

'Nope', she replies.

Bert Yells 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS"

To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat."