Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins..

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's No Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.
"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for
the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they
made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting
enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will
be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day
when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the
Doc., "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a
shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love,
and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin'
season started!"

Two hunters are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the
ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size
of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I
can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw
something down and listen and see how long it takes
to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old
transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it
in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count
one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over
the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush
behind them. As they turn around they see a goat
come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole
with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each
other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out
what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did
you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but
we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat
came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert
miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole
here!"

The old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I
had him chained to a transmission!"

Old man BillyBob goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull.
A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?"

BillyBob says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them."
The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian."
A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?"

BillyBob says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows."

The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?"

BillyBob says, "He gave him some pills."

The banker says, "What kind of pills?"

BillyBob says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."

A blind man is walkin by this fish market right?
well he takes a big wiff and goes...
Whoa! good morning ladies.



Ok, their is this bar and its on the edge of a cliff, there is only one window in the whole joint and if you look through the window its straight down to the canyon floor below.

So a clearly intoxicated man stumbles over to talk to a incredibly beautiful woman sitting at the bar and says, "Hey, ill bet you, one-one... one MILLION dollars that i can jump out that window and fly around and come back in unharmed" Woman replies "pfff... ok ill take your bet"

Man says "HEY bartender! get over here! get me my special drink!" the bartender slides down a very unusual looking drink, the drunk downs it, jumps out the window, flies around and comes back in unharmed! needless to say the woman is amazed and exclaims "hey! let me have one of those things!" bartender slides down an identical drink, she drinks it, jumps out the window falls and dies.

up in the bar the bartender and drunk are laughing uncontrolably, the bardender suddenly says "oh Superman you are a *** when your drunk!"

So, my two Italian brothers were hunting in the woods and they came across a nude gal sitting on a tree stump.....Vincie asks, "are you game"? She smiles and says, "U bet, Hun". Alfredo shoots her...

When I was born God gave me two choices....

(1).... I could either have a good memory....

OR

(2).... Be good in bed !!! .......


Sh!t !!! .

Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!!

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!


2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


3. "Can you hear me NOW?"


4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."


6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"


7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."


8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"


9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!


10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."


11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"



And the best one of all..


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was Marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom Assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new Bride to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker,being the wise man that he was, could see that the Sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to
help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
"And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate us old Geezers.

very funny

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'

Harry : '9.'

Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'

Harry : '36..'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3 rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'
Harry : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'

Harry : ' Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs ?'


Harry : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that
means a lot of heat and excitement ?'

Harry : 'Fire truck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

ah TOW'D that was FUNNY!

ok hmm let me think of one...

got it!, nope thats too dirty...

nope that one is too lame...

got it!

how many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

it takes three.

one to hold the lightbulb
and two to drink so much the room starts spinning.

-CJP