Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

While many have dogs, probably the same number of folks have a cat or several. If you have never had a cat, these are for sure true. If you HAVE had one, you for sure are already well aware of these laws:

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

Some men just never learn.

Cursing at Work


Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked , then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

*~*~*~ * ~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?

There may be a few that can relate to this even now:

It's going to happen to all of us sooner or later===for some of us sooner


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they
were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sippingthe drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered





'THE TEETH.'

oldie but goody
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there."

"By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't cry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single.
Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
Whispering...
Dave.............
Dave.............
Dave............



..............you're a veterinarian."

Three Rednecks, Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie, were working up on a cell phone tower. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'.'
She said, 'You're mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Shit

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
http://www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
http://www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
http://www.gotahoe.com

lmfao

The Dog's Diary

8:00am Dog food! My Favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort
of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps my going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them,
I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However,
they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary
confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to the 'power of allergies'. I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving
around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than
willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now……………

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

seems a warm fuzzie story is needed .. it`s a known fact that women are much better at practical thinking than are men but we cant help it .. it`s in our genes ... many millions years ago throg was sent to get some grizzly bear meat by his wife .. he went and after much struggles he finally clubbed a big one to death and cut it up and came proudly home with tons of meat .. the little woman met him at the door and promptly began the bitching .. where are the bones she ask ? no need bones said throg .. cant eat bones .. little wife said .. dumba$$ .. we can make tools and weapons from the bones .. then she asked .. where is the skin ?? throg says why we need skin .. cant eat skin .. the woman says .. we can make clothes to cover our naked bodies and keep us warm during the cold nites stupidhead .. not need clothes says throg .. got plenty of body hair .. little wife says .. yeah .. too much body hair in some places pee-wee .... then she commands throg to go get another grizzly and this time bring home the whole bear .. practical thinking ... so throg does this and instead of killing the beast he just knocks it out.. as soon as he drags it in the cave the little woman says .. you got it rite finally you big goof .. but as soon as she got near enuff throg woke up the grizzly and tossed it on his wife and it promply ate her up .. then throg says to his wifes little sister ..you throgs new woman now .. you get any brite ideas ..you keep them to yourself..

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a rural rancher. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The
artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in
the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?'

After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk past cow after
cow and when she finally sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one.... right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dumb blonde,
the man asks, 'Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to
be bred?'

'That's simple: By the nail over its stall,' Amy says.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'