Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.


"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.


"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."


Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

"Your horse phoned."

Alzheimer's Test:

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years
of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I betcha' you can't resist passing this one on!

A brunette walks into a bar and says, ''Gimme an M L.'' The bartender says, " What's an M L?'' She says, '' A Miller Light.''

Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L.'' The bartender says, ''What's a B L?"

She says, ''Bud Light.''

A blonde walks in and says, ''Gimme a 15.'' The bar tender says,'' What's a fifteen?'' She says,'' 7&7, duh!"

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair."

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing
quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I s topped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed t hree large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. < BR>
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I
quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'




Pat

Why you never Question a Drunk

Suzy was shopping at the local supermarket the other day where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that? "

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A little bit of History....... A condensed version of history

For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Holly wood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.

....beer + wheel .....the result being a scum sucking low-life leach known as a lawyer. Jerry

Originally Posted by bannedleader

....beer + wheel .....the result being a scum sucking low-life leach known as a lawyer. Jerry

Must be a story there

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went
up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST
YEAR.' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot
from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL
MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke
my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it
was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Beware!!!!!!!
Wal-mart is selling lounge chairs made in China ,

and the plastic is very very cheap and thin.
Purchase at your own risk.

Now you did it; I'll have to call the wife and have her meet me for lunch.

Is that a crab reaching for something to eat?

The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental proportions;
They don't know whether to vote for the 'Nut' with two Boobs or the 'Boob' with two Nuts.