Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals. King Kong, an Ape,
an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by. They decide to compete to see who
is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.





















If your answer is:

Orangutan = you're dull & normal

Ape = you're a moron

Monkey = worse, you're an idiot

King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid

Why?????

A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas! Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax!

Originally Posted by TyphoonZR

Is that a crab reaching for something to eat?

"Careful, please don't throw your tooth picks in the latrine....crabs can pole vault!"
Dave Rabbit, Viet Nam

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY.....
You Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an

important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking

place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

ababab

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."


Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

ababab

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"


"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"




ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"


"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

ababab


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"


"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

ababab

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.


Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received
the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.


Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior
and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


Regards,
Walmart

Golf accident

>

>

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in

> horror as her ball headed dir! ectly toward a foursome of men playing the

next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands

together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in

agony.

>The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began

> to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I

> know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

>

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

>

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,

> still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,

> however, he finally allowed her to help.

>

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the

> side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered

> tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does

that feel?'

>

He replied, 'It feels great, but ! I still think my thumb's broken.'

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused
her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer
pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Maam, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong
about my brother. I really like the name Denise." "What's the boy's
name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Early Easter laughs

Would You Remarry?


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND : "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

W IFE : "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit!"

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the man, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?

'Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

Subject: water or wine?
>
To my our friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't-- As Ben
Franklin said, in wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water
there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli), the
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of
poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey, or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember:
Water equals poop, and wine equals health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information. I'm doing it as a public service for all my friends......


cheers
hank

Redneck Etiquette
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

take the cool test
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/genera.../cool_test.htm

^^^^
ouch!!

> Do you know what happened 175 years ago, this week?

>

> California became a state,

> The state had no electricity.

> The state had no money.

> Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

> There were gunfights in the streets.

>

> So...basically, it was just like California is today. Except the women

> had real breasts, and the men didn't hold hands.


--------------------------------------------------------------




> 20 YEARS OF BEING MARRIED....

>

> A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her.

> She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the

> kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

> He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She

> watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

>

> "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this

> time of night?"

> The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago

> when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

> "Yes, I do," she replies smiling.

> Sniffling a little bit he continues.. "Do you remember when your

> father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

> "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

> The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in

> my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to

> jail for 20 years?"

> "I remember that, too," she replies softly.

> He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten

> out today."



--------------------------------------------------------------------





> Air Force Pilot Saves Life of Navy Pilot in a Horse-Back Riding

> Mishap

>

> A Navy Pilot with the 3rd Fighter Wing escaped serious injury

> recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience.

> He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately began

> moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the pilot

> began to slip sideways from the saddle.

>

> Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a

> firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but

> continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped

> along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his

> grip, the Lt. Commander attempted to leap away from the horse and

> throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and

> he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

>

> Moments away from unconsciousness and probable death, to his great

> fortune a United States Air Force pilot, shopping at Wal-Mart, saw

> him and quickly unplugged the horse!

Wife from hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I
Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife And growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, 'Dam it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your Seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'