Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A little old lady is walking down the street,
> dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.
>
> There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while
> a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
>
> Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there
> are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
>
> "Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go
> back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the
> warning!"
>
> "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
> get all that money? Did you steal it?"
>
> "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back
> yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
> Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
> bushes, right into my flower beds!
>
> So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
> clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through
> the bushes, I yell: "'$20 or off it comes!'"
>
> "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By
> the way, what's in the other bag?"
>
> "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay!!!!"
>
> *****************************

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and she says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

"The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Sentence structure is so important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say "you're welcome" .... that will bring on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Cat in the Hat on Aging.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.... And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him."

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all
three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night
long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend
to the death its right to do it.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I missed one?

ORIGIN OF THE HUMAN RACE
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were evolved from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this:

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

UPS pilots and the mechanics.

-----Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but
only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance
for those who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called
a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by UPS 'pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S)
by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has
never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

What Gets Longer When Pulled,

Fits Between your Boobs,

Inserts Neatly in a Hole

AND Works Best When Jerked?
(scroll down)





































A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!

An old Scottish World War 1 flying ace is on a talk show and is telling some of his adventures during the big one.

He starts: "One fine morning I was on patrol over France...when two Fokkers came divin' outa the sun and strafed me"

(The crowd gasps at the term "Fokker")

"I turned and dove on the first Fokker <crowd gasps again> and shot him outa the sky".

"The second Fokker (crowd gasps again) was on my tail...guns ablazin', so I pull a loop and get behind him and pump that Fokker (crowd gasps again) fulla lead"

By this time the host has to break in and explains to the crowd that a Fokker is a type of German aircraft.

"Ahh...that's true...but these Fokkers were flyin' Messerschmidts"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked
his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was
Breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down
to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded,
rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed,
rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he
said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I
know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

DOG FOR SALE!!

Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of
this owner to sell her dog.

Read the sales pitch!

Dog for sale!

* Free to good home.
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more thieves, murderers, or
molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'