Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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As you slide down the banister of life, remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called "Ministers do More than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your Boss: the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like Lightning: One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are
in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling added.

8. A Husband is one who, when he has finished taking out the trash, gives the impression that he has cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen: just vending machines and a big trash can.

10. The blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic would try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him frantically writing on a piece of paper. I explained to him that rabies can be treated and that he didn't have to write out a will.
"Will, what will," he said. "I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

12.Definition of a teenager: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may none of the splinters be pointing the wrong way.

It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists
who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch ....' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Day Centre.

DEATH OF AN ICON........

SAD NEWS

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with
flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as
a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting
much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little bit
flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was
considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy's friends were encouraged to rise to the occasion and to
share a smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and
kneads it.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Newfoundland humour.



The owner of a golf course in Newfoundland was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Newfoundland and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

(You gotta love those Newfoundland women.}
__________________________________________________________

A group of Newfoundland friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
______________________________________________________ _____

A senior in Newfoundland was overheard saying . 'When the end of
the world, comes, I hope to be in Newfoundland.'
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Newfoundland because
everything happens in Newfoundland 20 years later than in the rest
of the civilized world.
___________________________________________________________

The young man from Newfoundland came running into the store and
said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? '
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number.'

__________________________________________________________
NEWS FLASH! - Newfoundland's worst air disaster occurred when a
small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of
Newfoundland students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery
efforts.

__________________________________________________________

The Newfoundland RCMP pulled over a pickup on Highway 16.
The RCMP officer asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do

something for Me.'


Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to him.

Then God said, 'cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that to him, then

said, 'go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained a hill to Adam.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the

hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In

the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained that too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to
reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

So, just like everything else, God
explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,

across the river, over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the Woman.

In about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said
angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

'What's a headache?'

How a marriage works

All men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't belong, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


........and, they lived happily ever after.

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day
Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we
played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to
Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a
blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all
of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're
all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the
bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the
man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus
Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his
tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had
done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the
burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell
a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she
had an ax and two 38's!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgin Or Not? Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding. 'I'm not
sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.' His buddy replies, 'Oh, there's an
easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a
shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if
she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit
her with the shovel!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation:
The pickle says, 'You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and
juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar.' The
cucumber says, 'Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and
juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad.' The penis says, 'You
think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy,
they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room
and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness!!!

The Cowboy, Indian and Arab.
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary Alberta , while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East .
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.


She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

President Bush was looking for a call girl.

He found three girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a
brunette and a redhead .

He said : "I am the President of the United States ,
how much would it cost me to spend some time with
you?"

Blonde replied: $200, the Redhead replied: $100.

He looked at the brunette and her reply was :

"Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as
my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that
thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it
rising like the gas Prices, keep me warmer than it is
in my apartment and screw me the way you do the
public then believe me Mr. President, it isn't going
to cost you a damn cent."

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100
mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal
even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 120
mph, then 130, then 140. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm
too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. Today
is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

(cleaned up for this site)

For the election, we have, on one side, a lawyer married to a lawyer running in the primary against a lawyer married to a lawyer. On the other side, we have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship. Why are we even voting?

I love that way of thinking! Can I vote now,.... on my way to the bar, over at the American Legion? :-)

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

"Then your stance is too wide."