Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Many people over 50, (WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite
confused about how we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current
fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets,the
following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least:

13. Thongs and Depends

Glad to see a joke page, I posted a joke over in HAMB land a while back and first was told I was banned for 10 dazs or something like that. So I told Mr. really important to lighten up and take a pill, guess he was to stupid to get the joke. Anyway the joke was hotrod related, long short story, short I am banned for LIFE.... boo hoo, I more then likely will never get over that and cry myself to sleep every night since, guess I did not get the HAMBs proper posting rules correct for that upscale board, got a kick out of busting the clowns balls, banned for life, is that his life, my life or the internets life.....banned for life WOW........

What the moron has not figured out is there is a back door that gets used

Originally Posted by pepi

Glad to see a joke page, I posted a joke over in HAMB land a while back and first was told I was banned for 10 dazs or something like that. So I told Mr. really important to lighten up and take a pill, guess he was to stupid to get the joke. Anyway the joke was hotrod related, long short story, short I am banned for LIFE.... boo hoo, I more then likely will never get over that and cry myself to sleep every night since, guess I did not get the HAMBs proper posting rules correct for that upscale board, got a kick out of busting the clowns balls, banned for life, is that his life, my life or the internets life.....banned for life WOW........

What the moron has not figured out is there is a back door that gets used

Pepi - You? Banned for life?? On such an important internet car forum as HAMB??? And the choice and impertinent language used there???? I haven't been yet but every time I post there, and it isn't often, I get the feeling I'm an outsider and interrupting a corporate merger - maybe I should see if they would ban me as well

A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”

...check out my user name.....it was EARNED!!!

Hay maybe a new forum bannedbutnotforgotted.com


I know IC2 it is hard to believe ......

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in town... watch while I prove it to
you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks. "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer is leaving, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question... why
did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar,
the game's over!"

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A Blonde, recently hired, began her first day at the office this morning.

Hoping to integrate well into the office environment and eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she offered to go out and buy coffee for everyone.

She grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby Tim Hortons.

She held up the thermos so that the server behind the counter could view it
and she asked, 'Is this thermos big enough to hold six cups of coffee?'

The server looked at the container and said, 'Yes. It looks like about six cups to me.'

'Oh good!', the blonde sighed in relief, 'Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf.'

The Love Story of Ralph and Edna >

>
> Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
> day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
>
> Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom
> of the pool and stayed there.
>
> Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
> and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of
> Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from
> the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
> news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
> you
> were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
> the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act
> displays
> sound mindedness.
>
> The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
> belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
>
> Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
> How soon can I go home?'
>
>

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED............

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
....and then the fight started....

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED (II).....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Secu rity o ffice.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too!
.....and then the fight started.....

http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php

Click the link, then - FOR A BIT OF FRUSTRATION........CLICK ON THE BALL AND IT WILL CHANGE COLOR. MAYBE

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for
Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting
all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.."Hello," "How are you?" We've been waiting for you,"
"Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" The woman asked.
"Love," said Saint Peter.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been."
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought
a big mansion. My wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on
vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here
I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?' her husband asked.
"Czechoslavkia."