Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES YES,
I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I
don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men.

Three women die together in an accident

and go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter says
'We only have one rule here in heaven,
don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough
there are ducks all over the place
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck
and although they try their best to avoid them
the first woman accidentally steps on one
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw
St. Peter chains them together and says
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter
who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man
He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and
not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very
VERY careful where she steps
She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks
but
one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word

The happy woman says
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,'I don't know about you lady,
but I stepped on a
duck.'

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final
plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If
she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone -a- Friend Lifeline.

The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ....Her friend was, well-- blond.



She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blond responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the
cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Meridith any answer except the one
that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blond,
that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

Two minutes later, Meredith said, 'That answer is. Absolutely correct! You
are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends,
including the blond who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Stephanie, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blond...'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks.'

The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect wildlife in the USA . Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party...as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.

damn the pic did not post! it was a bear sitting at a picnic table.

You mean this Democratic bear?

Hey that`s the one.Thanks man!

Meanwhile new homeless animals formally found to be enjoyed by millions, now seen begging for handouts at the republican national convention.

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

Ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts . She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

A man with a speech impediment goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen. The man with the speech problem quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, 'Ess-tues me, sir?'

'Yes?' replies the clerk.

'Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?'

'Pistachio's? They're $9 a pound.'

'SSit!' The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, 'Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?'

'Almonds? They're $11.50 a pound.'

'SSIT! tas pensive,' replies the tongue-tied man.

'Welp, how bout your pikanns?'

'Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only $14.50 a pound.'

'Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen.'

'All right then,' says the clerk as he bags up a pound of pecans.

Then the man says to the clerk, 'Sirr, I just wanna thay tank you fo not making fun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it.'

The clerk replies with a smile. 'Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that I don't make fun of anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose.'

The man replies, 'Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your pecker since your nuts are so high!'

The Fourth Wedding

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told thesales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type andcolor dress are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.'

'My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

A guy visits his urologist, who is a stunningly beautiful, leggy 6 foot blonde to die for.

Early in the consultation, she says "Hmm, you are going to have to give up masterbating"

He replied "Why?"












She answered "Because I am trying to examine you!"

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use
as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff
one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and
just a
good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.