Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly
check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.


"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle,


and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of

rounds into that beaver.'


The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

Blonde calls her boyfriend and asks for help with a Jigsaw puzzle.He says" What's it supposed to be? She says" The picture on the box is a Tiger. He goes over and looks at it and says I don't think we will ever get this to look like a tiger. Why don't we put the Sugar Frosted Flakes back in the box and watch some TV?

Yellow 72 - good one!!
hank

A woman marches eight-year-old Johnny home from school and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex ? .." replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fu**ing appendix out!"

deep snow trouble

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f*** himself and he did.


Day 16
The b*stard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperatly through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these symbolize?"
The man replied. "These are Carols."

My grandson is learning to read. While looking at a book today he suddenly shouted out " hey look, a frickin elephant". I ask him where he learned that. He said its right here in the book. So I looked and sure enough, right under the picture it said African Elephant. Aint phonics wonderful?

True story:

My wife and I are riding around (in my old 66 Chevelle) with my 5 year old nephew who was raised by my Mom since he was 1 month old. Sheri asks me what time it was, and I said 6. Jeramiah piped up and says 6, I know all about six. I said what are you talking about. He says 6, I know everything about 6. I said OK what is 6? He says "That's when a doctor sleeps with another man's wife". I asked where did you ever hear something like that? He says "Watching General Hospital with Mamaw."

Fox hunting picture

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change t he
bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
ruder.



John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the
freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."





John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall,he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of he table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon...................... 'F*ck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.' !!!!!

South Dakota Indian picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it
Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10
years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government'

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs

The National Poetry Contest had come down to 2 semifinalists: A Yale graduate
and a Newfoundlander. They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes
to come up with a poem that contained that word.


The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.


First to recite his poem was the Yale Graduate.
He stepped up to the microphone & said.....


SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND

TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN

MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO

DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU!!



The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that they thought.



The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited....



ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WE WENT

MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT

THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO...

SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU!!



The Newfie won hands down!!