Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. I've witnessed the usual signals; the phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them. I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my Corvette and the 3 window so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind the rear fender, I noticed some terrible swirl marks in the paint on the Vette. I was distraught. Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it to the my local detailer.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive ... So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's how the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should
have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.
And that's how the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed 'She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down
at him and said, 'Well then which one are you then?'
And that's how the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for
herself.'
And that's how the fight started.

Another year has passed

and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches

and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,

come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night

and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!

You've probably hit bottom when you see a 45 year old crack hoe wearing a t shirt that says you can't afford me and she is right.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance. To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50'.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's $50.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, $50 is $50.

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective

look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country

and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd

choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns

and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those If

you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who

ya' are.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the

phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10

Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter

Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart

and still get a lump in your throat when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great

respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned a flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid

to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to

do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

A glossary of common tools required for the building and maintaining of hot rods:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vehicle which you had carefully parked in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Can also be used to cut its own power cord.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used to pinch soft flesh into blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Additionally useful for trimming fingernails below the growth line.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you wish to remove the bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

METAL SNIPS: A tool used for cutting crooked lines in metal where you want straight ones.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and perfect good flesh, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, both breakable and the next tool that you will need!

I don[t remember if this one is on here, and too lazy too look!!!! Anyway, my friend Deb sent me this the other day:



UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!



If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a
tray, because you are dead.


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of
a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their
car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people
near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and
tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been
standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small Canadian flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache. "

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

...were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Amazing - these can actually stop you from getting sleepy behind the wheel.

I got a new set of wiper blades on my car.
I think they might be too long because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great. I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch. It's hard to keep my eyes on the road sometimes but at least I don't get sleepy driving.

Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work.
They were outrageously expensive, but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great.

Wow!