Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Hey Restorod, do they sell those wipers at autozone or o'reilly's? I could really use some for my camaro.

Originally Posted by RestoRod

Amazing - these can actually stop you from getting sleepy behind the wheel.

I got a new set of wiper blades on my car.
I think they might be too long because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great. I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch. It's hard to keep my eyes on the road sometimes but at least I don't get sleepy driving.

Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work.
They were outrageously expensive, but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great.

Don't forget about the built-in washer...if you're brave enough to use it.

[quote=Sinister;335029]Hey Restorod, do they sell those wipers at autozone or o'reilly's? I could really use some for my camaro.[/quote


I don't think so Sinister.....strictly a specialty shop item.

Yellow, that washer would also be a good de-icer for cold mornings.

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*


In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. !

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this h appens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their b utts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, 'she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

I was at a drive in movie it was cool outside so my date and I were cuddled up
She had some nice perfume on just behind her ear I said what is that she said its called DESIRE $10.00 an ounce
Then I smelled her neck and I said what is that She said that is my LOVE $18.00 an ounce
after about an hour I had 4 or 5 buttons undone on her top and I said what is that She Replied That is MY SIN (OH BOY HOMERUN FOR ME)

Then all of a sudden She set up and said
WHAT IS THAT I SAID .........PINTO BEANS 2 POUNDS 99 CENTS
We left early DARN

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
party..

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son,
what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., so drunk and out of your
mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then
you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies,
'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone
bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat. It seems that
everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of
the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied,

'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.

"Ten years is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?"

The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

I guess all the jokesters have gone for the holidays, be glad when they get back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new
store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put
his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior
walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you
sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'



Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.'

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi)


....and now a photo of my plumber cleaning the drain trap sighhhhhh.

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when
a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a
$5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
You've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year
tell Santa; the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !"

an elderly priest was making his way down the street one day and came accross a young boy sitting on the curb with a jar full of a clear liquid,,

the priest said, whatta ya got there son?

young fellar replied, well sir i have the most powerfull liquid in the world.. its turpintine

the priest smiled and said, son holly water is more powerful than that..

young boy looked puzzled at the priest and said sir?

the priest said, son, holy water is very powerful, if you rub it on a womans belly she'll pass a baby..

young fellar said, well sir if you rub this stuff on a cats ass, he'll pass a motorcycle...

...from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'