Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all
the other kids could only count to four, but I counted
to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good,"
said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet
today, and all the other kids could only say it to D,
but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very
good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,
and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,
but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal
a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because
you're 25."

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm going to get screwed out of my peaches.'

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone book under 'Escorts and Massages'.

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending o ver in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait - I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night;Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that s ound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic; But for an outside line, you need to press 9.'

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers came up - Fireman, Truck Driver, Salesman, etc.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes
off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers
really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement immediately changed the
subject and hurriedly set the other children to work on a coloring
project.

She then took Little Johnny aside and asked him, 'Is that true about
your father?' 'No,' said Johnny. 'He plays football for the
Detroit Lions, but I was just too embarrassed to say that.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

I was in the Ritzy Lounge last week en route to London.
While in the lounge, I noticed Donald Trump sitting in leather chair enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to London with me but she was running a bit late.

I approached Mr Trump and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Peter" at me when I was with my client.
He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Donald Trump. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said "G'day Peter, good to see you!"
To which I replied: "**** off, Trump! Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi.

"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every
now and then they send us a free box of candles.

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases?

What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was tryin g
to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every
now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on,
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and
about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Father O’Malley and Rabi Rebiniwitz were lifelong friends. They lived in one of New York’s up-scale areas and often spent time together socially and every year traveled by train to Washington DC to attend an ecumenical conference. It was on one such trip that the good priest broached a touchy subject.

“Ruben, we’ve been friends a long time,” he began.

“Yes we have, Michael,” came the priests reply.

“Do you mind if inquire in a personal nature?” continued the priest.

“Of course not - ask me anything and as Jehovah is my witness I’ll speak the truth to you,” replied the Rabbi.

“Well, I often wondered, have you ever eaten pork?”

The Rabi went to the door of their train compartment and glanced first up and then back down the aisle of the train. Satisfied that no one was within ear shot, he sat back down and responded, “If you must know, every Thursday for the past twenty years, I’ve changed into street clothing, put on a Yankees ball cap and gone over to the Bronx and eaten a ham sandwich, drank a Knickerbocker beer and watched a ball game in a local bar.”

It was quiet for a while with just the clickity-clack of the train’s wheel being heard. The Rabbi cleared his throat and began, “Michael, now that you know my little secret, may I ask you a personal question?”

“Why of course you may, Ruben and as God is my witness, I’ll be giving you the plain truth,” said the priest.

“Well Michael, have you ever been with a woman?” came the Rabbi’s question.

The priest rose and not only looked up and down the train’s aisle, he gently closed the door and then began, “If you must know, for the past twenty years, Sister Alice and I have been seeing each other. We meet at a small motel in Atlantic City on the first Tuesday of the month and enjoy the passion.”

After another short silence, the Rabbi looked across at the priest with a wicked grin and said, “sure beats a ham sandwich doesn’t it?”

These are genuine clips from British council house tenants, complaining to their landlord council about problems with their homes...

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it...

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore...

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow...

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up it's now getting too much for me

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat would you do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence...

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand...?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall...

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant...

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the other 50% of them are are plain filthy...

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers...

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared...

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink...

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off...

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous...

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it...

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage...

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the Labour Day marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 5000 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?

‘Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! '

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Lord No he says.........just when it's raining’.

Jehovah's Witness Deterrent

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it –


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!