Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

The German Shepherd, the Monkey and the Leopard‏

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before to0 long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL:


Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a dry
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have
Give more.

Expect less


NOW ............ .

Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your a$$, it always comes back to bite you.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament Buildings :

One is from White Rock, another is from Victoria and the third is from
Prince George.
All 3 go with An official to examine the fence.

The Prince George Contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well" he says "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Victoria contractor also does some measuring, and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700, $300 for materials, $300 for my crew,
and $100 profit for me."

The White Rock contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
official and whispers, "$2700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The White Rock Contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me $1000 for you, and
we hire the guy from Victoria to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS HOW GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING WORKS.

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic.

You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again.
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.

Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

Dont Have joke I can tell on here, but I do have a picture of my new Hunting FOX. I would have gotten a hunting Dog but I'm really into thinking outside the box. How many guys you ever heard of with a hunting FOX?

Please Picture Below

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer neglige' for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy am I), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

You heard of the story where the little boy was tending a hurd of sheep that cryed "WOLF" because he was bored? In the end of the story when there really was a wolf nobody came to help because everyone thought it would be yet another prank. The moral of the story had always been "Never tell a lie."

I'm here to say NOOOOOOOO - THAT is not the moral of the story.
The real moral of the story is to come up with better excuses.

The first time the boy cried wolf and the villagers came running the boy should have said "All of the noise you made rushing to help scared the wolf off."

The second time when the boy cried wolf and the villagers came running the boy should have said in his best Get Smart voice "You missed him by THAT much" - "You need to be faster if we are going to catch this wolf".

THEN when there really is a wolf and the boy cries out and the villagers race to aid the boy - He is seen as the hero instead of the boy that kept telling lies. Ticker tape parades, statues are erected in his honor, he becomes famous for his bravery and saving the community.

gee... sounds like a polititian

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese. '

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work'

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
>
> been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
>
> 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
>
> His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
>
> in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat -
>
> I do not have a headache,
>
> I do not have a headache,
>
> I do not have a headache.
>
> It Worked! The headaches are all gone.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.'
>
> His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the
>
> bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
>
>if he
>
> can do anything for that?'
>
> The husband agrees to try it
>
> Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
>
>picks
>
> up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
>
> He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes
>
> into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
>
>and
>
> makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
>
> His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
>
> The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back Into the
>
> bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
>
> The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
>
> Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, He goes
>
> back in the bathroom.
>
> This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom she sees
>
> him standing at the mirror and saying,
>
>
> 'She's not my wife.
>
>
> She's not my wife.
>
>
> She's not my wife.'
>
>
> His funeral services will be held on Friday.

Medical Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!
This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come
into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Reboo ter (B EER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. "After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the the ehaust pipe. . .