Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina , from Texas . The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas cost $2000.00 a year!!

When they arrived in North Carolina , they went to an insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in North Carolina to insure it, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas !!!!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,

'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00. You just have to know how to describe it!

In 2007, 5 million of our “older” Americans had not signed up in the given time for their Medicare, Part D Drug Plan. They are old and confused. Yet they were not granted an extension.

However; the 12 million illegal aliens in our country were allowed to stay, protest, procreate, receive support monies, attend schools, avoid paying income taxes, have our teachers take 300 hours of Spanish as a Second Language and training at our expense, etc.

The government must really dislike our older American citizens or they must love tacos!

Let us see how the government will handle the program in 2009 for our senior citizens.

Oh by the way! Don't forget to pay your taxes. 12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled."

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.

baptizing a drunk..............

> A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

> The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

> "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

> The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

> The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

> By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

> When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

> The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must
tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And
it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud
of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f$*&@ing putt, didn't you?"

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.


As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '

Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her,
"you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

New Orleans Crabs...



A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde,female crew member to
take care of the box for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.



He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen,mentioned that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.



Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.



Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom
to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman
who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"



Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.



Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Regrets!!!

Originally Posted by RestoRod

Regrets!!!

Racist, Tacky,Un-P.C.,Crude,Vulgar,Un-called for and Disgusting...............Keep up the good work!!!

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick . Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.

This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:


Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan .

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .


And none of it will help the American economy.


We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

PHONES IN CHURCH


A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.


Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on thevestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read


'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, and Milwaukee and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Iowa, upon entering a church in Des Moines, behold he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'


Fascinated, he sked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Iowa now . . .. . You're in God's Country, It's a local
call.'
American by Birth -- An Iowan by the Grace of God