Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of
my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough
points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from
8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan
on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00
A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00
A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first
two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching
our balls. No point in your coming in for that.."

Impossible Things To Say when Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Oh now that's funny, Barb - I'm sure you "heard" this from someone else and that's there is no personal experience involved here eh?

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

*******************
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'


********************
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

**************************
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

**************************
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

*************************
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

*************************
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved
in a fatal car accident.. The couple find themselves
sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to
process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get
married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves..

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the
couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they
were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal
aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered,
'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple,
'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to
find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me
to find a lawyer?'

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked people who live in California if they think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% responded, "No es una problema serioso.."

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy and everything crazy going on in my life I called the Suicide Hotline. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 Seniors came to see the show.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a Trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the Audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a Beautiful antique pocket watch from his
coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special Watch. It's been
in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...
'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SH*T!!!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

For those that don't know about history ..... Here is a condensed version:



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter..

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement..

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it...

Let your next action reveal your true self .

what do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the river???



a good start.

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh!ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight to the
counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday
trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary
is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker reponds, "Yeah, well, you started it.

Irish Sex



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman..'


The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'


The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 onthe box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Looks of Disappointment

An Irishman was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, The drugs are wearing off.'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Donation

Father O'Malley20answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


6. Confession




An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

7. Brothel Trip



An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

8. Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

9. Pest Control

An Irishwoman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are ya?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the
exterminator.

'What are ya doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man rep lied.

'And where are ya clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little
bastards!'...

DDDaaammmm I never thought this thread would never take off But I have been wrong many time before Oh Boy many times before anyway we wont go there , i guess I'll have to post some more jokes

This Guy Walk In To This Bar And Sat Down And Order A Beer He Notice That There Were Only Guys In The Bar He Ask The Old Lady Behind The Bar If This Was One Of Those Funny Kind Of Bars And She explained Yes That She Bought The Bar For Her Son And He Was Gay But She Said Don't Worry They Will Leave You A Lone So After A Couple Of Beers He Had To Go Take A Pee So He Got Up And Went To The Head While He Was Taking A Pee A Gentleman Walk In behind him And Started To Use The Urnal next to him And He Look Down And Notice He Had A Nicaderm Patch On His Yahoo So He Said Dam Do Them Things Work The Gentleman Said Why Yes They Do I'm Down To Two Butts A day Now